Is It Weird That This Is Turning Me On?

Ashley Olsen hands the paparazzi this week’s paycheck from a private villa in Mexico.

Things That Didn’t Happen to Anna Nicole Smith Today

Elle MacPherson hasn’t gotten laid in two years. Cry me a river. [Cele|bitchy]

Hilary Duff releases the music video for “With Love.” [POTP]

Kim Kardashian pretends like her sex tape still matters to anyone. [The Blemish]

Fashion Week bravely trudges forward in the wake of such tragedy. [MollyGood]

Mary-Kate Olsen is that drunken slut you always kind of knew Michelle Tanner would grow up to be. [Celebslam]

Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong are probably bumping uglies again. [Celebrity Smack]

Really Late-Night Links

If you’re wondering where Lindsay Lohan acquired her penchant for rambling, nonsensical epistolaries, look no further than her father’s most recent jailhouse opus. [Pop on the Pop]

Aw, Danny Tanner can still make his little girls smile. [Agent Bedhead]

Turns out Courtney Love can stay sober and plant absurd rumors about how she’s being considered as a judge for American Idol and categorically deny them, all at the same time! Yet, basic spelling continues to elude her. [Defamer]

Tara Conner’s no stranger to any type of blow. [ICYDK]

I hadn’t heard of Lily Allen until sometime last week, but this girl’s getting really famous really fast. [popbytes]

The gossip and sports blogospheres collide with the sound of Gisele Bundchen getting pummeled by Tom Brady. [The Big Lead]

Memo to Tyra Banks: We are done talking about the weight you’ve put on in the past couple of years. We did it for a day or two, got it out of our systems, and we’re ready to move on. We’d really appreciate it if you’d allow us to do that. Step away from the fat pictures, Tyra. Please. Love, The Blogosphere. [The Blemish]

Bill Gates can’t get away from Jon Stewart fast enough. [Cele|bitchy]

Late-Night Links

Lance and Reichen split for good. Lance must have heard about Reichen’s famous wandering eye, because he’s changed his MySpace song to fellow *NSYNCer’s “What Comes Around Goes Around.” Cute. [MollyGood]

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that no one is ever going to explain to me why Keeley Hazell is famous. But she sure is hot. [The Blemish]

Candid photos of an Olsen twin putting her mouth on someone else’s body? Never gets old. [CW]

Also in underage antics: Hilary Duff gets wasted at Hyde. [Monica Monroe]

Gideon Yago peaces out at MTV, gives audience waaay too much credit. [IBBB]

Late-Night Links

Angelina Jolie’s mother passed away. [MollyGood]

Mariah Carey does Playboy. This is exactly what you wanted … in 1996. [DListed]

Matt Dillon doesn’t like Marilyn Manson because Manson once cut his pubes with scissors he’d borrowed from Dillon. It’s always something. [Agent Bedhead]

Mary-Kate isn’t anorexic, people, she’s blonde. [Celebslam]

Disney theme parks make their way into the gossip blogosphere for the first time since Lohan got trashed at Disneyland in July, with a series of Disney-themed ads featuring Beyonce, Scarlett and David Beckham. Lindsay is conspicuously absent, although she’s been photographed plenty coming to and from her own Wonderland. [popbytes]

Late-Night Links

After dropping the f-bomb on national television, Vanessa Minnillo spends the next few hours getting utterly wasted and attempting to flash New York City. [Mollygood]

It’s been months (and about 20 pounds) since we’ve had a Lindsay-Lohan-in-bikini photo set. [Cele|bitchy]

Paris Hilton graces the folks at Pure with an impromptu performance of “Stars Are Blind.” Not blind enough, figures the audience, and someone pelts her in the eye with ice. [Yeeeah!]

There are three young women at a house party. One is passed out. Another is flashing her breast. And the last is biting the inner thigh of the one who’s half-naked. Guess which one is Mary-Kate Olsen. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Pam Anderson drunk-ass wasted in Vegas on New Years. [Celebrity Smack, more, even more]

Jessica Alba in a bikini. You’re welcome. [IBBB]

Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama make nice. [Celebslam]

That elusive Ashlee Simpson nip slip has arrived. [The Blemish]

Cleaning up the Weekend

Britney can’t figure out how to get her car to start and has to ask the paparazzi for help. [X17]

Mary-Kate Olsen’s body is now so malnourished it is unable to sustain the pigmentation in her hair. [Perez Hilton]

Matt Damon thinks the Bush twins ought to serve in Iraq. He and fellow four-star general Robert DeNiro were discussing the war for a segment of Hardball. [Glitterati]

Congratulations to Jillian Barberie! The Good Day LA host is expecting a baby. [Tabloid Whore]

Where has Jennifer Lopez been the past year? Well, aside from her inexplicable attendance at Tom Cruise’s wedding, she’s also been working on a Spanish-language album to be released early next year. Check out a sneak peak of the first single, “Que Hiciste.” [Just Jared]

Music producer J.R. Rotem, 31, fresh off his fling with Britney Spears, shows up at Koi holding hands with Hayden Panettiere, 17. [Dirty Laundry]

Late-Night Links

Mary Kate and Ashley appear on The Today Show to give their first interview in two and a half years. They both appear sober and talk mostly about their careers. Yawn. [MollyGood]

Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his tux at his own wedding. Is this some wacky Scientology tradition? Nope. He just wouldn’t fit in his Armani suit otherwise. [Spank Cheeks]

Rachel Bilson accomplishes the previously unheard-of feat of simultaneously being adorable and at Hyde. [Yeeeah!]

Oh please, please, let there be a Jessica Simpson sex tape. [Egotastic]

“This Scarf is Heavy,” by Paris Hilton. [The Gilded Moose]

I am going to mention Hansen without mentioning “Horseface,” just this once, because they’re being nice to Africa. [Agent Bedhead]

Nicole Richie does her best Hamburgler. [Dirty Laundry]

Fashion Victim of the Week

Oh Miss Mary Kate. I understand that you are still trying to rock the “Boho” or “Homeless-Chic” look. The only problem is is that it has gotten out of control. Perhaps I could forgive the fact that you haven’t brushed or washed your hair in a few days. Perhaps I could forgive the whole plaid situation. The issue I have to take with your outfit is YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE NOT WEARING PANTS. Honey, if you wear leggings, be sure you are covering up your lady parts. Or wear leggings that are a little more opaque. She totally is in need of a makeover. Where are Cher and Dionne when you need them?

That Oil Money Sure Does Buy a Lot of Cocaine

Just ask Mary-Kate Olsen. A year after Paris Hilton stole her prior heir — of the Greek shipping variety — the pint-sized bag lady is “quietly dating” oil heir Maxwell Snow, in the hopes that, if Paris Hilton doesn’t catch word of his existence, she can’t fuck him. But Paris Hilton can fuck anything. Watch your back, MK.

Snow is from some famous Texas oil family, and is Uma Thurman’s nephew (Did you know Uma Thurman came from oil money? I didn’t.)