Archive for September, 2006

Rock My World! Anna Nicole Has a New Lawyer!

September 30, 2006

Wow, my sense of security in this world just took a major hit.

We reported earlier in the week that Anna Nicole Smith married her longtime lawyer, Howard “Not the Shock Jock” “K.” Stern.

Now word is coming through that the marriage was “not legally binding,” and the vows were just part of a “commitment ceremony.” Apparently heterosexual marriage isn’t allowed in the Bahamas — well, it’s allowed in Freeport, but then it won’t be recognized in Nassau, which specifically voted to ban heterosexual marriage, considering it a “vile affront to encouraging hot chicks to go down on each other, i.e., tourism.”

Here’s what rocks my world: This statement was made by Michael Scott, Anna’s attorney.

What happened? Howard K. Stern has been Anna’s lawyer since the dawn of time! Since J. Howard Marshall was born, it seems! Does Anna need a new lawyer now that she’s in love with her old one? Who’s writing the pre-nup? I really don’t know if I can get used to this.

Celebrities Except Fatter: A World Imagined

September 29, 2006

There’s more where that came from.

Is This for Real? Nick Carter Lost His Virginity to Debra LaFave

September 29, 2006

These Carter kids are really invested in their upcoming reality show, House of Carters. I thought they’d pulled out the big guns when Aaron proposed to a Playboy model earlier in the month (he quickly rescinded the offer). But they were just getting started.

We bloggers are gonna write about that damn show each and every day, and if it means Nick Carter has to admit to losing his virginity to and currently being a little bit in love with an infamous pedophile on Howard Stern’s radio show, THEN THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Nick Carter told Stern that, as a teenager, he lost his virginity to Debra LaFave, the Florida eighth-grade teacher who was arrested for having a lot of sex with her 14-year-old student. LaFave was 23 at the time. Carter and LaFave met — where else? — in church. Their budding relationship ended when LaFave cheated on him with a chick.

Nick — who’s been linked to Paris Hilton and Willa Ford — also says that “a lot of the girls I’ve had the best sex with or best anything with have been just normal girls.” And by “normal girls” he of course means “insecure groupies who’ll seriously put anything in their ass. Like, anything, guys.”

But the “normal girls” can’t hold a candle to LaFave’s brand of crazy hot chick. Nick shares that she is the best lay he’s ever had, and that “I always thought I wanted to go back and rekindle it with her, but now it’s too late for that.”

I smell a cameo.


September 29, 2006

This woman has been growing her nails since 1979. She is also the proud teacher of the best-behaved third-grade class in the history of the world.


September 29, 2006

  • Jessica Coen is leaving Gawker for Vanity Fair, where she’ll be their “deputy online editor.” In my mind, the “deputy” part of this keeps conjuring up an image of a wide-eyed Coen staring up at Graydon Carter, who’s pinning a bronze star on her lapel and saying something along the lines of “Welcome aboard, pard’ner.”
  • Here’s a Paris Hilton nip slip.
  • Britney Spears either fired publicist Leslie Sloan Zelnick or she didn’t. As long as the kid’s still named Sutton Pierce, I don’t see what difference it makes.
  • Was Lindsay Lohan paid to go out with Harry Morton? Or did she go out with Harry Morton voluntarily and then get paid to act like she was paid for it? Or did she pay Harry Morton to act like he was paying her to act like she was paid to go out with her and then pay him to act like he was paying her to go out with him but didn’t want anyone to know that he was being paid for it? Or did she marry her lawyer wearing a pink bikini on a yacht off the coast of Nassau just 18 days after the sudden death of her only son? It’s very difficult to keep all this straight.
  • Did you guys see McSteamy last night?? HE WAS LITERALLY STEAMY!!! Oh, McSteamy, be mine forever?

Someone Might Want to Update The 12 Traditions

September 29, 2006

“We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

They should probably try to get blogs in there for the next edition.

An observant blogger realizes that Nicole Richie was photographed leaving the West Hollywood Recovery Center as a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting was ending. Maybe she never had an eating disorder after all.

Update: I thought about this more, and the only CMA/AA meetings on a Wednesday (when these photos were taken) end at 8 pm, and there’s no way it was this bright out at 8 pm this late in September. I live in this city. Still, the WHRC is most definitely a 12-step center.

Catching Up: Luckily Nothing Happened Today Except that Anna Nicole Wedding Thing

September 29, 2006
  • Avril Lavigne spits at photogs at her 8th 22nd birthday celebration.
  • Ivanka Trump may be the new face of Tiffany & Co.
  • Jessica Simpson is not in a very good mood lately. [The link also includes a video of Ashlee performing — to rave reviews — in Chicago…possibly a source of big sis’ jealousy…er…grumpiness?]
  • Is Arizona the new Hollywood? Because I can assure you that Janet Napolitano was at no point Miss Universe.
  • Hey, Jenny McCarthy, we can handle pictures of you sitting on the toilet, we can stomach the fart jokes, and we’re okay with all the very grossest details of pregnancy, but do you really have to talk about sex with Jim Carrey?
  • Yom Kippur is fast approaching, and you can stop kidding yourself. You may be taking the day off, but you are sooo not going to be in temple, unless you consider the matinee of Jackass: Number Two your religious headquarters. So, call Stephen Colbert at 1-800-OOPS-JEW, and atone for your sins, heathen.

Anna Nicole Marries Howard K Stern!

September 29, 2006

Star magazine reports that Anna Nicole Smith married her lawyer and constant companion, Howard K. Stern, in the Bahamas on Thursday morning. The ceremony took place on a yacht off the coast of Nassau, and Anna Nicole wore a pink bikini for the event.

Update: According to Perez, this quickie marriage may be an attempt to prevent a paternity suit by Larry Birkhead, a former fling of Anna’s who is claiming to be the father of the baby. Perez’s source says:

“I am positive that the reason they got married is because under the family law in the Bahamas, if a person marries the mother AFTER birth of the child AND acknowledges he is the natural father (which Howard Stern did on the Larry King show) — he is presumed under their laws to be the father of the child.”

In effect, this prevents Birkhead from filing a paternity suit and from insisting on a DNA test. Smith recently became a legal resident of the Bahamas.

This just keeps getting stranger.

Out and About Today

September 28, 2006

Posting will resume this evening. Until then, check out My Evil Cohorts, or come be my friend on mySpace.

– The Beet

Today in Believe It or Not: Daniel Smith’s Death Drug-Related

September 28, 2006

Cyril Wecht — the man who single-handedly taught a nation what “pathologist” means — announced Wednesday that Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel died from a combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro.

The Zoloft and Lexapro are commonly prescribed for depression — a disease from which Daniel reportedly suffered — but they’re from the same class of drugs, and it would be unusual for them to be prescribed for concurrent use. Methadone is an opiate sometimes used to treat chronic pain in cancer patients and the like, but it is more often used by recovering heroin addicts. Or 20-year-old kids who figure that, if they mix it with a bunch of depression meds, they’ll catch a killer buzz, or at least be able to dull whatever pain comes along with a Daniel Smith childhood and genetic framework.

So that’s the shocking conclusion: drug overdose, probably accidental. It’s in all respects a tragedy, but I hope that, with the level of publicity this story’s received, someone somewhere will think twice before they try the same thing, and some good can come of all this.