So I’m being a generally pathetic human being today, ingesting the sweet, sweet liquor of E!’s High Maintenance 90210, when I recognize one of the high-profile clients. I just can’t place how. Her name is Allison Pearson. I watch her. I know her. I recognize the obnoxious face, the inane laughter, the vapid expressions. Did I go to high school with her? Hm. No. Did we date the same guy? Seems likely. But no. Did I throw a drink at her at a bar? Wishful thinking. How do I know this girl?
I Google her, and the geniuses at Pop Culture Whore come to my rescue. She’s that nauseating girl from True Life: I’m Getting Plastic Surgery, which aired on MTV six years ago. Allison was nineteen back then, and whoring around with her BFF Rachael, alternating their waking hours between laying in tanning beds and getting plastic surgery. Her goal in life was to be in Playboy, or at least to get into parties at the Playboy Mansion. I laughed at her them, and hoped that within a year she’d be back home in Ohio or wherever, her spirit irreparably broken.
So what the fuck? Now this bitch is married to some successful music producer and spending $20K on necklaces? These things are not supposed to happen to bad people like her! She contributes absolutely zero value to this world. You know what? Let me amend that. She contributes negative value to society. She can’t even organize her own closet. She spends all day drinking with her personal assistant. So not only is she failing to contribute to our planet, she is sucking any potential value-added behavior from another human being. I’ll admit that terrorism is to be frowned upon, but Allison Pearson is what’s wrong with the world.
In happier news, she’s totally put on ten or fifteen pounds since the MTV taping, and she looks a little big around the hips. Yeeeee!