I Am Ready to Talk About Paris Hilton

Rick Hilton, President

Gary Gold, Associate

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate

Jamie Levine, Associate

Marc Fiedler, Associate

I’d like to frame this as a staff meeting at Hilton & Hyland, Rick Hilton’s real estate company. (For those of you who are painfully out of the loop here, Rick Hilton is Paris’ father.) The major players are pictured above. Plain text will be used to indicate the spoken word, whereas italics will be employed to indicate concurrent, unspoken thought.

Hilton & Hyland Staff Meeting
January 26, 2007
Official Transcript

Rick Hilton: Thank you so much for attending the meeting today. As I’m sure you all know, sales are down 12% this month over last year. Can someone provide an explanation?

Gary Gold, Associate: The market’s down across the state, Mr. Hilton. While the entry-level homes have held their prices fairly well, the high-end investors are nervous to put their money in a market they see weakening. Also, I saw your daughter’s vagina today. For the 14th time in a year. I could draw your daughter’s pussy in my sleep, Mr. Hilton. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and sketch it from memory, then masturbate to it. I usually just pass out afterwards. My wife finds the pictures in the morning. It’s awkward, to say the least.

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: Particularly in the area of commercial real estate, the notable growth has been in the Inland Empire, and we haven’t been focusing in that region in the way I recommended at the last staff. I wish they made lollipops in the shape of your daughter’s breasts. They make lollipops that look like titties, but I wish they looked just like your daughter’s. The ones on the lollipops are too big, sort of floppy-ish. Your daughter’s are perfect, just the right size. Like you can get your mouth around the whole damn thing. Nipples the shade of a fading sunset. My God that girl fucks like Mozart composed. Oh Jesus I’ve got an erection.

Rick Hilton
: We are supposed to be one of the top real estate firms in the country, folks. You are the best of the profession. You have hundreds of years of experience in this industry put together. A weakening market is no excuse. What are we going to do moving forward to bring our numbers up?

Jamie Levine, Associate: Based on the data, I expect we’ll see a move away from public REITs and more into direct investment in niche properties, so let’s focus more energy there. People are moving their money from REITs into these properties. Sometimes I pray that your daughter will come over to my house and want to do a make-over with me. Like Cher did in Clueless? Remember? And she’ll bring all her clothes and her make-up and her hair dye and sit me down and make me beautiful, just like she is. And then you come in and you’re like “What’s going on here ladies?” And Paris is like “Isn’t Jamie beautiful, Daddy?” And you say that I am, and then you take off your shirt and Paris dumps a kilo of coke on your bare chest and we all take turns doing lines off it. Just like in the movie.

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: We’re just seeing a correction in the market, Mr. Hilton. It’s not a bust and it’s not a boom. But prices simply aren’t where they were at this time last year. We’ve seen some correction in the overbuilding trend, and I expect the correction phase will be over in a year or two. Your daughter’s vagina is now my desktop background on my home computer.

Rick Hilton: So how can we incentivize our clients to buy? We need to deliver results here, people!

Marc Fiedler, Associate: We’ve offered free stays at Hilton hotels worldwide. Maybe we should throw in airfare? Cisco Adler’s balls are now my desktop background on my home computer. Thanks to your daughter. That shit is nuts! No pun intended.

Gary Gold, Associate: Yeah, or maybe your daughter would be willing to suck our clients’ cocks if they buy at list price. Shit, did I say that out loud? Your daughter gets fucked in the butt for coke, buddy. You think she won’t suck cock to close a deal?

Jamie Levine, Associate: Ahem. What Gary means is that we need to be considering less … um … traditional forms of incentives. This isn’t yesterday’s market. Your daughter totally takes it in the ass for coke. Gets fucked up the butt. Heh. She’s so pretty.

Rick Hilton: I don’t like this line of thinking. Let’s come up with some other ideas.

Marc Fiedler, Associate: We could get more creative with our financing. Remind clients of the tax benefits of their investments, advise them on the new loopholes in the tax laws. Your daughter is such a slut. How is she going to romp around naked with Jason Shaw for twenty minutes and not get a single good shot of his penis? That’s not fair to some of us. Also: your daughter gets fucked in the butt for coke, dude.

Rick Hilton: These are terrible ideas, people! What am I paying you for? You are such disappointments to me. You turn this trend around or you’re all fired!

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: Dude. Your daughter gets fucked in the butt for the coke.

And scene.

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