WTF Happened on American Idol Tonight?

Okay, look, I know the audition phase is always a freak show, but tonight was in a class all its own.

For starters, on day one in Birmingham, Paula Abdul is trashed. I mean, right from the start. Just out of her freakin’ head deeeeeeeeeerunk. Not the twitching-a-little-and-making-no-sense Paula we’ve come to know and love, but actually-on-the-floor-and-having-trouble- standing-and- laughing-at- inappropriate-times out of her goddamn skull drunk. I suppose it’s possible that the sound feed between the auditioners and the judges table got dropped. Or, you know, the sound feed between Paula Abdul’s brain and the rest of her body got dropped. Or, most likely, Paula herself got dropped on her head as a child. Sigh. This is only day one.

Day one also brings Jamie Lynn Ward, who is Kellie Pickler on acid. This girl has a Southern accent I didn’t know you could actually hear outside the context of a comedy sketch. Simon asks her to tell them something interesting about herself. Which is the politest way the producers could come up with of getting at the following response: “I live wit may grammaw and may daddy’s paralyzed from here down. He shot hisself raight here (pointing to neck). His waif wuz cheatin awn im, which wuz may stepmomma an he cawt em in the act an it wuddn’t the firs time so like he shot her and he shot hisself and now I live wit may grammaw to help her take care a im.” Beat. “But its okay.”

Please, God, why am I laughing so hard right now? I can’t stop! I am a bad person, I admit it. I have scoured YouTube for footage of this eloquence, but I can’t find it yet. Please please please Lord let it be up tomorrow. Please please if any of you finds this on YouTube, send me the link. I’m begging you! I must have this thing on my blog.

By day two, Paula’s in a rehab detoxing. Or, as Ryan Seacrest narrates, at a “family obligation” in Los Angeles. So it’s just Randy and Simon at the judges table. Which, frankly, makes for a really strange chemistry, and I realize now how important Paula is, drunk and all. I know Birmingham isn’t exactly the music capital of the world, but was there really no one in that city who could judge on short notice? For 30 million viewers? Tammy Wynette, where are you when we need you?

Alright, alright. I’m done for now. I’ll shut up. In closing, to quote the inimitable Leslie Carter: “It’s, like, wow!”


9 Responses to “WTF Happened on American Idol Tonight?”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Tammy Wynette is dead duh!

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Say what you will about Paula, but if it wasn’t for American Idol, I would never have found my soul mate.

    Constantine Maroulis brought me and my lesbian lover together for ever.

    Gretchen and Penelope 4 ever!

    Carpe Liberum and Artelope

    We are the team leaders of Constantine Maroulis’ fan group
    www youeithergetitornot com

    Constantine, bringing lesbians together since 2005.

  3. lonniechung Says:

    seriously, the fake-hick from birmingham has to be katie morgan. google her (and beware); she’s a porn actress who had a documentary on hbo a few years ago. they look exactly alike. not in one of those, “oh they could be sisters” way, i mean it is her, no doubt in my mind. either way, her story and accent are total bullshit

  4. Anonymous Says:

    for the video clip, try:

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Lonniechung, I did a double take when I saw your post, b/c apparently I share my name with a porn star. Except I go the classy route and spell it with a “y.”

  6. bluemookse Says:

    I think she might be for real. A paper in Reidsville did a little story on her in 2005, saying she wanted to try out for American Idol.!frontpage

  7. Anonymous Says:

    something is fishy about her, she has two mypsace pages and they dont add up
    here is one she has that is private, she has the same profile pic as one of the pics on her other page’s slide sho

    here is the other page, she has alot of pics and talks about american idol in it. some of the pics the girl has brown and some her eyes are blue not sure if they all are her

    she doesnt seem 17

  8. Anonymous Says:

    Here’s the link you’re looking for.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Please, the entire show is staged.

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