Archive for the ‘American Idol’ Category

Antonella Barba Sucks Cock

February 23, 2007

Re-read the headline. It’s a statement I would have made and stood by regardless, but I would have meant it in regards to her vocal ability. How that little hooker squeaked through last night is a mystery to me, but I actually don’t mind if shit like this is going to keep popping up, because it cracks me up. Someone emailed the kids at IDLYITW with these photos. Is this Antonella? You make the call. I’ve posted her AmIdol publicity shot, and these pictures of a very similar-looking young woman performing fellatio on a man who might want to think about doing some sit-ups. It sure does look like her, buck teeth and all.

Perhaps the new Idol Camp could add a “Masters Class” on this shit.

My Idol Recap

February 23, 2007
I’ll never be as good as the Beet but I feel obligated to satiate your potent Idol thirst.

Chris Sligh says his comments weren’t meant as disrespectful. I get what he’s saying, going after Simon’s producing credits is meant more as a love note. Idiot.

So they got rid the Asian, that’s poor form, and Antonella seemed to know she was done, she had that glazed look in her eye, and yet she survived.

Amy got eliminated. Was she on the show? Oh yeah, the “I can’t make you love me” girl. That’s one of the worst songs ever, especially for stalkers. You CAN make someone love you, keep that dream alive.

Which of these things is not like the other? Kelly Clarkson. Carrie Underwood. Fantasia Barrino. The good news is after she’s done doing Broadway she can finally get back to writing novels (which has always been her real strength).

Alaina is safe! I don’t know why, but I’m crushing. Nicole goes home which is good. I had an ex named Nicole.

Rudy gets thrown off and Paula says “I think Rudy has one of the best vocals.” She clearly didn’t watch the show or ever speak English.

Oh no, Paul Kim said this was his last shot at music!! What about the shower bud?

I’ve always admired the fact that the departees sing because I’d throw my microphone down and say “fuck y’all, I ain’t your dancin’ monkey.” Clearly I’d be really southern in my version. Rudy doesn’t even get to finish his song on my TiVo version. Don’t worry man, call me and I’ll have you over to sing the last minute for me and my friends. I’ll even throw ya a $20 for your trouble.

The kid mauls “Free Ride” (again) and our 2.5 hour Idol journey is mercifully over for the week. Boo to the yeah.

Idol Wear 2007

February 23, 2007

So I was doing some fun Googling of my favorite AI contestants and I stumbled upon some funny stuff on…IDOL WEAR! Every year each Idol gets some very cheesy “vote for me” slogans and this year is no exception. Go to the website and search for your favorite Idol wear. Here is a smattering of the cheese that is America’s most popular TV show.

I really hope you understood the whole dude dancing in a sun is Sundance Head.

Am Idol Recap: Top 12 Girls

February 22, 2007
Our show tonight begins with ten minutes of filler and recap. TiVo, TiVo, TiVo. At least Ryan is dressed like a normal human being tonight. Paula is sober again. Bummer.

Up first, Stephanie Edwards. “How Come You Don’t Call Me.” Alicia Keys is risky, but she’s up to the task. Ten seconds in, and she’s already better than any of the guys from last night. Forty seconds in, and she hits the high note. She emphasizes the “down on my knees” line by actually getting down on her knees, which is normally a surefire way to make oneself look like a huge ass, but it works here. Yeah. This was 100 times better than any of the performances from last night. Paula is doing her baby seal clap. Why does she clap like that? Paula is five years old. The judges liked it. Ha. Simon says it was “a million times better than any performance we saw last night.” Simon would be lost without hyperbole. Stephanie looks really happy, and it’s very cute. Ryan talks.

We’re back in the Red Room. Conversation is awkward. While I think the girls are probably more talented in general than the guys this season, they comment that watching the guys get ripped to shreds last night encouraged them to do better tonight, and that’s probably true.

Amy Krebs. “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” Man, these kids plucked out from the middle of nowhere sure are awfully good at following the camera. She blows the little run at the end, but in general it’s a solid performance vocally. Randy thought it was too safe, which is true. Paula agrees. Okay, maybe Paula is a little bit high. But not too bad. Simon says she’s uninteresting. Ryan. Oh, my God, he comes up to her shoulder. In his defense, she’s wearing really high heels, but it looks ridiculous.

Leslie Hunt. “Natural Woman.” Singing, singing, singing … she reminds me of someone … holy shit. It’s Tiffany. From malls. She is the reincarnation of Tiffany. She’s peppy, she’s fun to watch — ooh, I have her necklace, but in gold — she isn’t amazing vocally, but she’s having a blast, and I’m digging her. It’s a very Mickey Mouse Club sort of emoting. I think that’s why I like her. After covering BritneyWatch for the past couple months, and especially the past couple weeks, she takes me back to a simpler, happier time, when our pop idols sang and danced and smiled brightly on stage, rather than on tables at Hyde. You know, if they’re gonna keep cutting to the background singers, the one on the left should stop sticking her finger in her ear. Randy thought it was “just okay.” Paula thinks she did a great job. Simon’s not impressed. He thinks she’s out of her comfort zone, and seems awkward on stage. Maybe that’s why I get the Mickey Mouse Club vibe from her.

Oh Jesus. Randy’s going to do the Dog Pound thing again this year. I’d hoped we’d moved past that era.

Sabrina Sloan. “I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You).” She kills the vocals. She does like six different runs and nails each one. Randy loved her. So did Paula. Seal clap. Ooh, I get it! Paula claps like that because it pushes her breasts together. That’s actually a good idea. I may start doing that. Simon basically performs cunnilingus on her. And, to top off a fabulous performance, she’s shorter than Ryan! Her nose is kind of like a beak, but, aside from that, she’s great.

Antonella Barba. She of the potty pictures. “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” She sucks the whole way through. Sucks hardcore. It’s boring, it’s flat — ha, they cut to her parents looking very concerned and whispering to one another. Man, this is really bad. Like worse than any of the performances from last night, even. She actually bails on the belted high note on “rest of time” and decides to bring it down an octave. That was probably smart. Ha ha! Randy’s like “What do you think I’m gonna say right now?” She thinks it may have been her nerves. Randy said she sucked. Paula says it “wasn’t bad” and Randy shakes his head. Paula says she’s a beautiful girl. Simon’s all like “the good news is you’re attractive,” and he doesn’t think she’ll make it through to next week. Ryan hates Simon, Simon hates Ryan.

Jordin Sparks. Reppin’ AZ, baby!!! “Give Me One Reason.” Starts off decent, but she rocks it out in the last 20 seconds or so. Follows the camera like a pro. They must have a class on that. Judges liked her. She’s a bigger girl, although not fat, but she’s like twice the width of Ryan, and half a head taller. I don’t know which of them I’m more embarrassed for.

Nicole Tranquillo. “Stay.” No, not that one, the Chaka Khan one. I start off bored with her, and then she grows on me. She’s a very aggressive performer, and at first it just seems like she’s just making funny faces, but she has the voice to back it up, so I can get behind this. Randy didn’t like it at all. Paula loved it. Simon thought is was “indulgent” and “aggressive.” Wow. I’ve never heard Simon use the word “aggressive” like that before, so I feel kind of special that I typed that before he said it. We are on the same wavelength. He thought it looked fake and over-rehearsed. Ryan is taller than she is.

Hayley Scarnato. “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” Celine Dion is probably the worst female singer to cover on this show, after Aretha. Hayley falls ridiculously short. After five years of this, how do these people not know this? Like, generally, if someone is considered one of the greatest singers of her generation, it’s probably not a good idea to show up and do one of her all-time hits. Because odds are you’re not going to do it as well. Randy thought it was “just okay.” Paula thinks she did a “nice job.” Simon thought she “sounded forty.” She and Ryan are the same height. Aren’t you glad I’m keeping tabs on this?

Melinda Doolittle. “Since You’ve Been Gone.” No, not that one, the Aretha Franklin one. And, in stark contrast to Hayley, she totally pulls it off. She’s amazing and I love her. And she’s wearing really remarkable base. Her skin looks great. I want to know what brand that is. Judges love her because she rocked. Simon is way nice to her. Ryan is taller by a quarter-head.

Alaina Alexander. “Brass in Pocket.” I love this song. She must hate it. Because she is being mean to it. Ha, she totally emphasizes “eee-magination.” Which is good because when I was younger my friends and I thought that line was “vagination.” Like, “gonna use my vagination.” And with the viewership this show gets, it is totally possible we could have a whole generation of 13-year-old girls like, “Did you get past second base with him?” “Yeah, I totally used my vagination on him.” I’m glad she was careful with that. It is the only thing she was careful with. Because she’s not being very meticulous about, say, singing the right notes. Randy and Paula are unimpressed. Simon is mean. Ha, cut to Antonella in the Coca Cola room making an incredulous and angry face. The fact that Antonella could think that was a good performance explains a lot about her own. Cut to her parents. Her father looks exactly like Odo from Deep Space Nine, which I’m sure makes Rene Auberjonois really jealous after sitting in four hours of make-up each day for seven seasons. Ryan is taller and being nice to her. Simon’s all like, “Are you trying to date this girl?” and Ryan’s caught off-guard for the first time this season. He stutters for a bit, then he’s like “That doesn’t even deserve a response.” That was weird.

Gina Glocksen. “All By Myself.” Aw, her mother (grandmother?) is crying already. She’s kind of boring but decent. Totally fucks up the first high note, then rocks the second and the third. Randy thought it was decent. Paula liked it. Simon wasn’t too impressed, but he’s not too mean. Ryan’s just a little bit smaller than her. Someone needs to talk to her about her eyeshadow. When Jamie Lee Curtis told Anna Chlumsky that there’s no such thing as too much blue eyeshadow in My Girl, no one footnoted that with the fact that Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite and has no idea what she’s talking about, and I feel like a whole generation of women is still paying the price.

LaKisha Jones. “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going.” Ha ha, her eyes get really big toward the end and it’s kind of scary, but other than that she killed this song. Very impressive. Randy’s turn to perform cunnilingus. Paula likes her. Simon loves her and pegs her as the front-runner at this point. Ryan is way taller than she is. Aw, it’s her daughter’s birthday today!

Everyone agrees that the girls kicked the boys’ asses tonight.

So we’re saying goodbye to Alaina and Antonella tomorrow night.

My American Idol

February 22, 2007

Ok tonight I was impressed by Jordin, Melinda, Lakisha, and my personal favorite Sabina Sloan!

Some girls really tried to hard or picked really stupid songs. I have no idea what Nicole Tranquillo was doing I guess it was vocally difficult but seemed like she was faking her way through it.

I agree with Randy that this year the girls really are wayyyy more talented than the boys. If there is a year to put more girls into the Top 12…this is the year to do it.

The Beet will give you a better overview of the show. I just needed to get a shout out to SABRINA!!!!! It is really funny right now Fox 5 is doing a special on Antonella Barbara and her “dirty side.” Awesome, way to kill her chances Fox News.

Am Idol Recap

February 21, 2007
I hate to be one of those annoying people who feels the needs to liveblog every single episode of American Idol. So … I’ll probably only do the singing shows and not the results shows. Probably. We’ll see.


So, to start, Ryan chats up the judges. He is wearing the strangest little vest. He looks like a monkey. I think he’s lost weight, which he really can’t afford to be doing. Blah blah blah filler. He mentions the successes of some AmIdol contestants: an Oscar nod for Jen Hudson, a hit single for Chris Daughtry, three Grammys for … Carrie Underwood. No mention at all of Kelly Clarkson or her Grammys. They hate her because she’s (wisely) distanced herself from the show. Paula may or may not be sober. Not sure yet.

Ryan introduces the guys, who will be singing tonight. Now a recap of the audition process. I have no idea how anyone watches this show without TiVo. It’s gotta be painful.

Up first is Rudy Cardenas, singing “Free Ride.” He’s a respectable performer, but I hadn’t realized this was foreign language night. Seriously, if this guy is singing in English, I can’t tell. I can’t make out a single word. Voice is decent, nothing special. He goes to the judges. Randy is not impressed. Paula is encouraging. I’m still torn on her sobriety. Simon thinks he’s not unique. Which is true. Ryan comes back up in his monkey vest. Filler filler ‘mercial.

We’re in the COCA-COLA room. Chris Sligh, totally the highlight of this show so far, talks about how all the guys are looking so pretty. “Well I’m glad you’re on that couch,” says Ryan, which is great because it’s always cool to incorporate subtle homophobic comments into the number one show in the United States. Rock on, Ryan. The other contestants talk but bore me.

Brandon Rogers, the former back-up singer, is up next. He’s singing Michael Jackson’s “Rock with You.” Jackson covers should be avoided at all costs on this show. He’s charming on stage, and a better enunciator than his predecessor. He’s aight. Randy is talking, but I’ve just noticed his shirt. I don’t even know what that pattern is, but it’s, like, one of those complicated floralesque patterns that should absolutely not be worn on camera. They tell him not to do so many runs now that he’s not singing back up. Simon liked him okay. Ryan and his vest are asking dumb questions.

Sundance Head is up now. He’s singing “Nights in White Satin.” He’s a much duller performer here than he was in the auditions, and not always entirely on key. Lots of stupid hand motions, but his feet stay planted. Every time he sings the “Yes, I love you” part, he sings it like, “Yes I love yohwww.” Someone probably told him to use the “oh” sound instead of “ooh” when you have to hold the note a long time, which is usually a good idea, but he is way not pulling it off. You have to hold the “oh” part for awhile before you start on the “w” sounds. No one told him that. Randy notes that he was pitchy and not very interesting. Paula thinks he picked the wrong song. Man, Paula might be kind of sober. Simon thinks he kinda sucked. Ha! Simon mentioned the stupid arms, too. The arms were really stupid. Ryan and Vest and Stupid. Ryan says “self-massage” in some semi-appropriate context, but the audience laughs, because it’s funny.

Paul Kim up now. I loved this kid in auditions, so I’m psyched for this. He’s singing “Careless Whispers.” By Wham! Funny already. Ironically, “careless whispers” describes his performance pretty well. He totally totally totally misses the high note. Misses it by a football field. Like he is here in Hollywood and that note is somewhere in Bismarck. Randy wasn’t impressed, but likes his potential. I want to drug test Paula tonight. I just can’t tell. Simon says stupid shit. Paula makes some unfathomably stupid comment about Simon’s feet being smelly. Simon laughs the way you laugh at a small child who has just conjugated a verb incorrectly. Ryan talks about pedicures and pedicurists. Pick a sexuality, Ryan. I mean, at least pick one for your “host” character.

Chris Richardson. Singing “I Don’t Wanna Be.” He actually doesn’t hit a single note. Not one. Really. But somehow Randy likes it. Randy, music producer extraordinaire, thinks this is an Edwin McCain song. Simon corrects him faster than you can say “Gavin DeGraw.” Paula likes him just fine. Simon thought his voice sounded “small,” and pointed out that it was a bad vocal. Okay, I just went back and listened to it again, in case I was crazy about him not being on key, since none of the judges pointed it out. And I’m sure of this. The kid missed damn near every single note.

Nick Pedro. “Now & Forever.” He blows the high note, because I guess that’s just what you do this week. Everything else is uninteresting. Randy notes this. Paula says the magic wasn’t there. Simon didn’t think it was that bad. Everyone cheers. Vocally it was probably the strongest so far, but that’s not saying much. Ryan Seavest. Actually makes a very funny “Vote for Pedro” call. The thing about Ryan is you can tell, from time to time, that he’s actually got some spark of comedic genius in him, but he has to hide it carefully on his show, lest he lose the significant portion of this audience that thinks it’s funny when Paula tells Simon his feet smell.

Blake Lewis. “Somewhere Only We Know.” Aw, his dad is in the audience mouthing the words along with him. He misses the high notes. Because that is how they roll around here. I just realized he looks exactly like this kid I knew in high school who got a full-color Spice Girls tattoo on his hip (yeah, he was gay). And that is all I think about throughout the rest of his performance, because it’s boring. Randy kind of dug it. Paula talks. She thinks the high notes were “falsetto” rather than “bad.” Simon thought he was modern. He notes that it was good that he didn’t beat-box, and I agree. That was smart of him. Points there. Ryan Seavest.

Sanjaya Malakar. “Knocks Me Off My Feet.” Hm. “There’s something ’bout your love that makes me weak.” Vocally, apparently. His voice is very small. How do they audition 8 million people and end up with these finalists? He’s generally on key, but it is so completely unremarkable. Like this would be kind of good at a high-school play. Here it is very sad. Randy didn’t think it was very good. Paula thinks he’s a “sweet soul,” which is as nice as her comments are going to get. Simon tears him a new asshole. Ryan Seavest wants Sanjaya to argue. This kid is not the arguin’ type, Ryan. Blah blah blah.

I think Paula is sober. Her eyes look a little glazed, but she’s not slurring, and she’s making sense, by Paula standards.

Chris Sligh. I love him. “Can I Break the Spell of Typical.” Man, that is a fucking ominous song title. Like, you have to rock that shit. And he pretty much does. The most interesting performance so far. Randy likes him, so does Paula. Simon wasn’t impressed. Ryan Seavest actually looks monkey-sized standing next to Chris. They really don’t look like the same species. This kid must be huge in person. Ryan hates Simon. Simon hates Ryan. I bet Ryan’s actually a bigger pain in the ass to work with than Simon. Wait for the E! True Hollywood Story. You’ll see.

Jared Cotter. “Back at One.” Brian McKnight is another no-no, kids. Vocally he’s pretty good. Actually I kind of like him. He’s a great-looking kid, and very charming on stage. High note is flat. Because THAT IS HOW THEY ROLL. Randy thought it was alright. Paula agrees. Simon agrees. Thought he was nasal. Hm. I didn’t think that at all. Ryan is dwarfed again. They should get him a box to stand on. Like Tom Cruise gets for photos with Katie.

A.J. Tabaldo. I don’t remember him at all from the auditions. “All My Love.” He’s alright. Good performer. Solid voice. Paula is out of her seat and dancing. Randy talks, then Paula does. Yeah, Paula is sober. Simon says it was alright. No one has been amazing so far. Ryan and his monkey vest do their song and dance.

Phil Stacey. I hate to have been manipulated by the producers’ storylines, but I’m rooting for him because his kid was born early while he was at the auditions. And he’s in the Navy. Hooray for our troops! Awww, his wife and babies are there. “I Could Not Ask for More.” Now that’s Edwin McCain. He starts out really, really off, but then he kicks it up and totally rocks it out. Very Chris Daughtry. Very Chris Daughtry. Yeah, he rocks this shit out. His wife is glowing. It’s adorable. Randy basically says exactly what I just said. So does Paula. So does Simon. I should judge this show. Simon actually brings up Chris Daughtry. Ryan looks at Phil’s bald head and says “We’re going with the Britney Spears haircut tonight.” Awwwwww shit. Zing!

Ryan hates Simon. Simon hates Ryan.

They show the performance recaps. In retrospect, I was way too harsh on Rudy Cardenas, who actually did a great job in comparison to many of the others.

My prediction is we’ll see Sanjaya go home. He didn’t perform well, and I doubt he’s managed to build up a fan base to save him. He’s cute but without any of the non-threatening sex appeal. Chris Slight and Chris Daughtry Phil Stacey will come out on top, with honorable mentions for Jared Cotter and maybe A.J. Tabaldo.

In closing, I just used a million words to say what Lars summed up in like 20. These guys aren’t very impressive singers. Hopefully the girls do better.

American Idol

February 21, 2007

Man, I am watching this and I can’t help but notice that these guys aren’t good at the “singing” part of the show.

Also something is seriously wrong with Paula. I don’t know who keeps throwing her on stage but I’m guessing they have to use a firehose to get the stench of booze off. Her reaction time is seriously messed.

T, B… agree?

The Price of Fame

February 19, 2007

It’s not the price you pay for fame, American Idol contestant Antonella Barba, it’s the price paid by your chubby friend who has unwisely chosen to wear a bikini within 50 feet of a digital camera.

[via Derek Hail]

My American Idol

February 15, 2007

So I want the guy named Sundance Head to win. Mostly because he’s named Sundance Head but also because he doesn’t seem like a great singer. This could be his only shot.

American Idol…The Madness Begins

February 15, 2007

So American Idol has picked the Top 24 and now comes the fun part. I personally hate the stupid audition parts where they make fun of unfortunate people. It is funny but it gets really really old. The Top 24 are a very fun looking group. The guys are pretty cute and honestly I’m very impressed by the voices this year.

Here are some of my favorites that I think you should vote for next week!

Sanjaya Malakar: A 17 year-old cutie who is the first Indian to make it to the Top 24 on American Idol. He has a great voice and is adorable. I feel like he will start to come out of his shell and really stun the judges once the show gets rolling. Check out his MySpace here.

Jordin Sparks: This 17 is from the great state of Arizona which makes me love her already but she also has a kick-ass voice. She was already a winner on America’s Most Talented Kids and she won the Arizona Idol competition as well. For more info on Jordin click here.

Sabrina Sloan: This girl has an amazing voice and has been a bit overlooked throughout the audition process. She is a Northwestern Musical Theatre Program graduate who has toured the country with Hairspray. Get ready to be wowed people…my prediction is that this girl goes to the Top 12. For Sabrina’s MySpace click here.

Chris Richardson: 22 year-old Chris Richardson really is the hottie of the competition for me right now. The Justin Timberlake comparison aside, he really does have a solid voice and I am very excited to hear more of him. To check out his audition video click here.

And for a little bit more American Idol lovin, here is my favorite group audition from Tuesday.