Archive for the ‘American Idol’ Category

Late-Night Links

February 15, 2007
Heather Mills kicks the paparazzi’s ass. Literally. [Ninja Dude]

David Arquette likes watching his wife make out with Jen Aniston. How is this news? [Glitterati]

Beyonce photo gallery. [Film.com]

In college, my friends and I used to play the Movie Title Game. One person comes up with a ridiculous scenario and/or ridiculous pairings of actors, and the other contestants determine the appropriately hilarious title for said film. David Spade is a grocery bagger at Ralph’s? Paper or Spastic? Get it? Okay. So Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a hot-shot lawyer who decides to become an L.A. public defender. His partner? Janeane Garofalo. Go. [Pajiba]

Beyonce does the cover of Sports Illustrated. [Egotastic]

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy got matching hair cuts, which is totally creepier than his new movie is going to be. [A Socialite’s Life]

The set of Grey’s Anatomy has returned to normal. They’re getting into fistfights again. [Cele|bitchy]

American Idol claims another marriage. [PhillyBurbs]

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Oh. My. God.

February 7, 2007

I am watching the AmIdol San Antonio auditions, and Ryan Seacrest is talking to three girls who are holding a sign that says — I am not kidding about this — “JASMINeS Are Next AMerICAN IDOL!”

I looked at it for so long, trying to figure out what they could possibly mean by that, and finally it dawned on me.

And Ryan is talking to them for what I am certain is a full five minutes, and they are saying something, I’m sure, but I can’t hear any of it, because they are holding a sign that says — for real, people — “JASMINeS Are Next AMerICAN IDOL!”

If only public school teachers could create the same level of hysteria as aspiring pop stars…

Late-Night Links

February 2, 2007

Joe Francis is kind enough to voice his opinion on the sexual strengths and weaknesses of young Hollywood, with Paris Hilton in a commanding lead. He also manages to plug ParisExposed about ten times, which is quite the favor for a website he claims to despise. Turn the other cheek, eh, Joe? [TMZ]

Denise Richards: what’s not to hate? [Celebrity Smack]

Reese and Ryan suck it up and attend their daughter’s school play together. I’m so Team Reese on this one. [A Socialite’s Life]

Congratulations, DJ AM. You’ve earned yourself another fifteen minutes of fame. And, yes, Mandy, Zach’s pissed. Everybody wins! [Just Jared]

Kate at Fishbowl has the 411 on Top Design behind the scenes. [FishbowlLA]

“The first time I get into a car accident and I see a blind guy get out of the other car — I’m kicking somebody’s ass.” [Pajiba]

For what it’s worth, National Enquirer is reporting that Nick & Vanessa are engaged. [The Bosh]

The Jamie Lynn Ward Story

February 1, 2007

Here’s the video of the chick I was talking about here. Thanks to the anonymous commenter who tracked it down. Another commenter found this article from her hometown about her Idol dreams. Rewatching this today, it’s slightly less hysterical to me, which I suppose is a good thing. It means I have a soul. Beet, 1. Satan, 0.

WTF Happened on American Idol Tonight?

January 31, 2007


Okay, look, I know the audition phase is always a freak show, but tonight was in a class all its own.

For starters, on day one in Birmingham, Paula Abdul is trashed. I mean, right from the start. Just out of her freakin’ head deeeeeeeeeerunk. Not the twitching-a-little-and-making-no-sense Paula we’ve come to know and love, but actually-on-the-floor-and-having-trouble- standing-and- laughing-at- inappropriate-times out of her goddamn skull drunk. I suppose it’s possible that the sound feed between the auditioners and the judges table got dropped. Or, you know, the sound feed between Paula Abdul’s brain and the rest of her body got dropped. Or, most likely, Paula herself got dropped on her head as a child. Sigh. This is only day one.

Day one also brings Jamie Lynn Ward, who is Kellie Pickler on acid. This girl has a Southern accent I didn’t know you could actually hear outside the context of a comedy sketch. Simon asks her to tell them something interesting about herself. Which is the politest way the producers could come up with of getting at the following response: “I live wit may grammaw and may daddy’s paralyzed from here down. He shot hisself raight here (pointing to neck). His waif wuz cheatin awn im, which wuz may stepmomma an he cawt em in the act an it wuddn’t the firs time so like he shot her and he shot hisself and now I live wit may grammaw to help her take care a im.” Beat. “But its okay.”

Please, God, why am I laughing so hard right now? I can’t stop! I am a bad person, I admit it. I have scoured YouTube for footage of this eloquence, but I can’t find it yet. Please please please Lord let it be up tomorrow. Please please if any of you finds this on YouTube, send me the link. I’m begging you! I must have this thing on my blog.

By day two, Paula’s in a rehab detoxing. Or, as Ryan Seacrest narrates, at a “family obligation” in Los Angeles. So it’s just Randy and Simon at the judges table. Which, frankly, makes for a really strange chemistry, and I realize now how important Paula is, drunk and all. I know Birmingham isn’t exactly the music capital of the world, but was there really no one in that city who could judge on short notice? For 30 million viewers? Tammy Wynette, where are you when we need you?

Alright, alright. I’m done for now. I’ll shut up. In closing, to quote the inimitable Leslie Carter: “It’s, like, wow!”

More Screech Drama

January 30, 2007

If you can believe it, it turns out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is every bit the classy gentleman that his Dirty-Sanchezed sex tape would make him out to be. Diamond, who is currently taping VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club 5, has reportedly had trouble making friends with many of his castmates. (As an aside: I have plenty of adjectives to describe Dustin Diamond, but “overweight” has never been one of them. I like how he’s doing the “fat celeb” television show just because it’s a television show.)

Diamond appears on the program alongside Kimberley Locke, from American Idol, and Tiffany, from malls. Both stormed off the set after Locke got into a fight with Diamond. Are you ready for the funniest thing ever? This is what Diamond said on-camera to upset Locke: “Screw Kimberley Locke. I’m going to make a dildo of my cock and fuck her with it.” After the walkout, producers halted the taping and sent everyone home. Kimberley is now telling the producers that either she goes or Dustin goes.

An inside source says that Dustin has not made many friends on the show: “Nobody wants him on their team. The producers have a difficult decision to make.” This is so wonderful! Celebrity Fit Club has their very own Puck!

You know, it’s moments like these that make me glad to be alive. Sunsets are lovely, and I enjoy the sound of the ocean and a cool breeze across my cheek, and falling in love is a thrill every now and then, but, mostly, it’s waking up on a cloudy Tuesday morning to discover that Screech threatened to sodomize an American Idol contestant with a self-styled sex toy that make me stop and reflect on just how suddenly joyful this journey of life can be. Thank you, Dustin Diamond. Thank you for everything.

Listen to the Kat McPhee CD

January 30, 2007


Who’d’ve thunk it? In between puking and talking about puking, Katharine McPhee actually found time to record an album. An eponymous album, at that. It’s not bad, specifically, it’s just not particularly interesting. Maybe it will grow on me. It’s a soulful R&B sound, very reminiscent of her “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree” turn on AmIdol. It’s a fairly mature sound from an AmIdol contestant. Except she had to go and title a song “Not Ur Girl.” When will people stop titling songs like they were IMing their BFF? Pick a fucking demographic, Kat. Seriously, can you imagine if they’d pulled that shit 30 years ago? And today we’d all be covering “A Case of U” and “Ticket 2 Ride” and “Uve Got a Friend”?

Anyway, AOL has the whole thing streaming for free right now. Check it out here.

Dude Rejection is Ugly

January 29, 2007

Remember “Crazy Mary” from last season of “American Idol?” She told us back then that “she had a lot of voices.” She also was one of the most awkward human beings I have ever seen in my life. After her bizarre audition she had a brief moment of fame (via the entire free world calling her a total nut, but any publicity is good publicity right?) but we haven’t heard of her much since then.

She was off to beauty school back then…or so we thought. Looking at her MySpace page she admits that her AI “performance” was pretty much an act. She is an aspiring comedian who is looking for

“Anyone who wants to make any sort of comedic or dramatic collaboration with me. Anyone who wants to write screenplays and make films. Anyone who wants to assist in the production of a punk rock musical. Anyone who wants to start a band. Anyone who considers themselves to be strange, and is proud of it. Anyone who wants to fuel their creativity in any way that I might be able to help them with, or vice versa.”

Looks like rejection made her a bit dark.

Ian Benardo…Reality Show Whore

January 25, 2007

Ok so I can’t deal with this when people end up on multiple reality shows. Do these people have an agent? There is something seriously wrong with the world when we have reality show rejects that are reoccurring characters.

First he goes on “So You Think You Can Dance” and throws his mink in the corner. Then he goes on “American Idol” and wears some ratty chinchilla scarf.

Some people were not loved enough as children. Here is Ian making a fool of himself on American Idol:

Here here is the mess of crazy on “So You Think You Can Dance.”:

He might not be good at anything but damn does he make for some good TV.

Update: Of course he has a MySpace page. Click here at your own risk.

Rosie’s Got a Brand New Beef

January 19, 2007

Rosie is so over feuding with Donald Trump and she has now shifted her focus to “American Idol” and the judges. The bigwigs at the “View” must be LOVING all of this.

Rosie evidently isn’t impressed by the huge ratings of American Idol stating that,

“If you keep serving people crap, they’re eventually going to think it’s a meal. Three millionaires… one probably intoxicated. So sad.”

I’m so excited for a new fued!