Archive for the ‘Drunkies’ Category

Lindsay Lohan’s Appendix Still Hasn’t Worked the 12 Steps

January 18, 2007

Ladies and gentleman:

The moment you’ve all been waiting for has arrived.

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS CHECKED INTO REHAB.

After her latest hospitalization for an “appendectomy” failed to result in the surgical removal of her drinking problem, the starlet finally decided to check herself out of Hyde and into a facility. Lindsay has spoken of attendance at AA meetings, and has been spotted lately drinking only from a water bottle at clubs, but multiple sources confirm that those water bottles are regularly filled with vodka.

Says Lohan through her rep, “I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time.”

For what it’s worth, Lindsay, good luck.
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Paris Pleads Not Guilty to DUI

January 9, 2007


Well, Paris didn’t, exactly, because she couldn’t be bothered to appear in court. But her lawyer appeared on her behalf at an L.A. court today, and pleaded not guilty for her, to the DUI she picked up on Sept 7 of last year.

Says Lawrence Taylor, a local attorney and DUI expert, “At this point, I expect the L.A. city attorney will eventually offer her a plea bargain to a lesser charge in which she’ll do no jail time, no community service, and just pay a fine.”

Paris’s good luck with cars continues. After running out of gas in Beverly Hills this weekend, the heiress also managed to dent her brand-new Bentley convertible when she plowed it into some garbage cans outside her house yesterday.

Keep up the good work, Par-bear!

Paula Abdul Claims She’s "Never Been Drunk"

January 8, 2007

Yes. It’s true. Drunkie Paula gave the following quote to Entertainment Weekly:

“Last year, when no one understood what I was saying, and even though I’ve never been drunk in my life, I’m accused of filling my Coca-Cola cup with alcohol. Yeah, that was really fun for me.”

First off, Paula, way to remember to plug Coca-Cola even in the midst of a conversation about your alcoholism. You’re a real pro.

Also, dear, if I were you, I’d cop to the drinking. Because if you’re claiming you gave an interview like this sober, well, you leave the rest of us no choice but to assume you are functionally retarded. Come on, Paula? How about some information, please?

Straight up now, tell me, you don’t really wanna drug yourself forever?

Oh oh oh….

Or you slur your speech ‘cuz you hurt your tongue?

Straight up now, tell me, that you never touch booze or weed, not ever?

Oh oh oh…

Are you really just that dumb?

Is Lindsay Trying to Get Sober?

November 2, 2006


La Lohan set tongues a-wagging when she was photographed leaving The Ivy yesterday wearing a ninety-day sobriety chip given by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs. It seems unlikely that Lohan herself has actually been sober for ninety days, seeing as how we run a story at least once daily regarding just how drunk she was the night before. Lohan’s rep says the chip was a “tribute to a friend.”

Lohan’s ex-boyfriend, Harry Morton, is rumored to be sober, and I’m sure Lindsay had some exposure to twelve-step programs during her relationship with him. Such chips are also sometimes given as “hope chips,” to people with fewer than ninety days sober, to encourage them to reach that goal. At least we now know that Lindsay has heard of AA. You have to start somewhere.

A Rough Night for Lindsay and Nicole

October 30, 2006


It’s been a rough weekend for Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. Late last week, Richie checked into a treatment facility to determine “why she’s not been putting on any weight.” We in the gossip blogging community are proud to announce that we quickly helped her doctors solve that little mystery, because Richie was out and about on Saturday night, partying with Lohan.

Whatever Richie was ingesting that night (we’ve ruled out food) didn’t sit well with her, because she passed out at Hollywood club Hyde around 2 am on Sunday. The club manager wanted to call an ambulance, but Richie’s friends insisted they would take her to a hospital themselves, carrying the celebutante out the back door.

Lohan didn’t fare much better. She was spotted sitting in her car at 6:45 Sunday morning, convinced that the paparazzi tailing her were trying to hit her car. She seemed “out of it” and looked as though she’d been crying. My guess is she wasn’t driving to an early-morning mass after a good night’s sleep.

All this comes as News of the World releases an exclusive interview with Lohan, in which she talks about her battle with anorexia and bulimia. She discusses a night in 2004, where she feared for her life at the house of then-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama. “I felt so sick,” she said. “I lay down on the bed and started getting these shooting pains. I was screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head.” Regarding ex-boyfriend Harry Morton: “I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer.” Ouch.

Joking aside, I hope Nicole and Lindsay become willing to take the actions they need to get healthy again. Come on, girls! Look at Courtney Love. You can still do strange, obnoxious, publicity-generating things — and we’ll still make fun of you — just do them sober.

You Win, Nick Carter

October 23, 2006


I can’t hate you anymore. I can no longer despise your desperate and embarrassing pleas for attention and publicity. It takes too much energy. So I’ve decided to embrace you, and all the glorious Paris Hilton shit-talking that comes along with you.

The latest stop on Nick’s “Fuck Paris Hilton/Watch My TV Show” tour is Britain’s News of the World, where Carter states that Paris “was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drugs and drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out.”

He accuses Hilton of smuggling drugs overseas, stating that “if she was going overseas, she’d cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences.”

Continues Carter: “The only thing that made her happy was her own reflection. She spends so much time looking at herself in the mirror telling herself how gorgeous she is.”

Keep it up, Nick. We’re digging it now.

Amy Winehouse’s Name is Unfortunate

October 19, 2006

As she is drunk out of her skull on this appearance on Charlotte Church’s U.K. television show.

Us Weekly Soul-Baring May Not Have Been Sufficient Treatment for Tara Reid’s Alcoholism

October 14, 2006


Tara Reid doesn’t seem to get it.

Tara, sweetheart: The boobs are not the problem. The alcohol is the problem.

Via Radar:

Tara Reid clearly likes the idea of her hard-partying days being behind her, but she looked pretty shit-faced two weekends ago at a wedding in Santa Barbara.

A fellow attendee claims Reid…began her drunken antics at the rehearsal dinner. “She was the definition of a trainwreck, loudly heckling the family and friends of the bride and groom during their speeches,” says the source. Worse yet, Reid wasn’t even invited: “One of the groom’s buddies brought the Reid-tard as his date without telling anyone,” says the spy. “If I were the groom, I’d beat the crap out of the guy.”

The following night, Reid appeared to be “blackout drunk before the reception even started.” But everything had a happy ending. Sort of: “the wedding itself was actually dreamy because Tara spent the night outside in the lobby, crying her drunk face off.”

Hey, Courtney Love, maybe you should add Tara to your chanting list. She can come right after horses.

Scott Stapp Is a Drunken Douchebag

October 9, 2006

I’m no expert on Jesus, Mr. Stapp, but, from what I’ve been told, he wasn’t real big on gambling, drinking to excess, or announcing that Dave Grohl has a tiny penis on television. But I suppose you’d know better than I.

[via SorryIGotDrunk]

Avril Lavigne is "That Girl"

October 7, 2006


No, not the “it girl.” Just “that girl.” You know, the one who can’t walk out of the club using her own internal balancing skills, but rather must rely on those of the friends who are propping her up. Check out the video here.

What’s funniest to me is the running ‘razzi commentary. When you watch the videos of Paris or Lindsay, the photogs are always super nice: “Paris, watch out, there’s a puddle!” “Lindsay, hi, you look gorgeous, you look beautiful!” “Paris, how’s your jaw? Is your jaw okay, Paris? Your fans are so worried about you!”

With Avril, it’s just, “Come on, you drunk bitch!”

But I guess Paris has never spit on a photog.