Archive for the ‘Kevin Federline’ Category

Picking up the Pieces

November 16, 2006

Oh hells no! Britney removes K-Fed from her top 12 on MySpace. That’s what you get for writing mean things about her on shower walls, Kevin. [Faded Youth]

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are turned away from the London world premiere of Casino Royale, after someone very wise determined that perhaps Queen Elizabeth should not share a red carpet with a world-renowned cokehead. [Agent Bedhead]

Madonna confirms that she plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi, in order to “redress the balance” in her family. Madonna says things like “redress” because she’s British. Oh wait. [Dirty Laundry]

Donald Trump is going to be a grandpa. Sadly, it’s not because Lance Armstrong knocked up Ivanka. [The Bosh]

Madame Tussaud’s unveils the new Ashlee Simpson wax likeness. What’s that? Oh, I’m told that’s actually Ashlee Simpson. [Celebrity Smack]

Okay, so, in college, some friends and I determined that Sexual Misadventures with Kimmy Gibbler would be, hands-down, the best band name ever. My reasons for mentioning this now are twofold. First, it’s still true, and someone should get on that. Second, Bob Saget actually makes reference to sex with Kimmy Gibbler in this clip of his stand-up, where he sings “Danny Tanner Is Not Gay” to the tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way.” [BWE]

Are you ready to masturbate to sneakers? Reebok sure hopes so. They’ve hired Scarlett to co-create a line of footwear and apparel and star in the ad campaign. [IDLYITW]

Finally! It’s time for the Reese Witherspoon love interest rumors! Up first: Jake Gyllenhaal. [Hollywood Grind]

Ewwwwwww

November 14, 2006

“Which singer had to deliver her child via Cesarean because of a raunchy STD her estranged husband gave her?”

Via Page Six today this item leads one to believe that not only did KFed leave B saddled with two kids but also a nasty case of the herps.

Stay away from boys from Fresno.

K-Fed Shopping a Britney Sex Tape?

November 12, 2006

Hell hath no fury like Kevin Federline scorned. Britain’s News of the World reports that Britney’s soon-to-be ex-hubby is shopping a four-hour sex tape the two recorded at the beginning of their relationship, and that he’s already been offered nearly $33.5M for the footage by an Arizona company. He’s hoping for a pay-off from Britney in exchange for keeping the tape to himself. They also drop the bomb we’ve all been waiting for — that Brit filed divorce papers after catching Federline with another woman.

A K-Fed “pal” is quoted as saying, “This vid is dynamite and Kev knows it.” Firstly: the vid? Is dynamite? This reminds me of the drugs-are-bad videos we watched in elementary school. “Hey, man, wanna smoke a doobie? It’s dynamite! Pop in that tubular Betamax vid and we’ll ride a bogus doobie wave.” (Side note: whenever I need wacky ’80s words, I try to remember the names of the worlds on that last level of Super Mario Brothers. I don’t know what that says about me.)

Britney apparently “fears the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image” and “knows a full-on sex video could almost certainly ruin her chance of a career come-back.” Right, because Britney’s image is squeaky clean right now, and a sex tape is no way to launch a career. Just ask Paris Hilton.

They also report that Britney had flown into NYC to join her husband on his tour, but after he stood her up for dinner, she left the restaurant in tears and demanded keys to his hotel room at The Regency. When she let herself into his room, she found Kevin with another woman. It doesn’t sound like they were caught red-handed, but the fact that there was another woman there at all was enough to push Britney over the edge. She filed for divorce the next week.

I Link, Therefore I Am

November 12, 2006

Tobey Maguire and girlfriend, Irrelevant McNotfamous, welcome a baby girl. [Hollyscoop]

Joley Richardson quits Nip/Tuck. She’s hoping to be cast in a show with more plausible plotlines, possibly something involving giant, mutant, hermaphoditic aphids who eat Koreans and occasionally find themselves in awkward love triangles including the wife of their college roommate. [HGW]

Beyonce and Eva Longoria will be getting all lesbo on the big screen. Where will you be, Paul Reuebens? [Bossip]

Someone asked me the other day how Kate Moss is still so employable, even after the whole cocaine scandal. This is a link to a black-and-white video of Kate Moss, wearing lingerie and saying quiet, mysterious things. More of you will click on this link than any other in this group, probably by a factor of three. And that, my friends, is how Kate Moss is still so employable, even after the whole cocaine scandal. [Agent Bedhead]

In a shocking twist to the Kevin Federline saga, he demands Grey Goose in his dressing room. Check out the rest of the hospitality rider. [CelebSlam]

If Brad Pitt smokes, it must be cool. [Teddy and Moo]

Actor Jack Palance dies. [Hollyweird Gazette]

Recapping Deaderline: Day 3

November 10, 2006


Sorry I’m late on this, guys — I decided to take a break from tending to y’all last night to take a stab at a social life. We’ll see how this new experiment goes…

An in-depth review of Britney’s pre-nup shows that she filed for divorce on November 6 for a very good reason: one day later, and she would have had to pay a third year of alimony.

If there is anyone happier about this divorce than the celebrity gossip blogging community, it is, surely, Brit-Brit’s homewreckee, Shar Jackson.

In one more blow to FedEx’s pocketbook, Britney is shopping around pics of Jayden James … for free.

Rumors are circulating that Federline talked about divorcing Britney a month before she filed the papers to divorce him. A likely story.

And, finally, BRITNEY IS BACK IN THE RECORDING STUDIO! Hooray!

Deaderline: Day 2

November 9, 2006


Kevin Federline has responded to Britney Spears’ divorce filing. In the response, he asks for legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children and requests spousal support. He’s going to need it: his album debuted at #151 this week, and he’s dropped the price of tickets to his upcoming show in Chicago to $0.00 (that’s not a typo) after his recent show in NYC barely filled a sixth of the theater.

The ever-vigilant folks at Extra sent a reporter all the way out to Fresno to interview one of Kevin’s buddies from back in the day. He confirms that Federline didn’t hear about the divorce from his wife, and he is confident that Federline’s “rapping” “career” can survive his split from The Brit.

Don’t give up hope yet, Kevin! Jerry Springer — The Opera, a musical theater hit in England, is coming to the U.S. in Spring 2007, and they’re putting together a cast. They’re going to need dancers, Kev, and you’d be perfect.

I Have a Sixth Sense About These Things

November 7, 2006

I declared it “Britney Spears Day”
She got divorced.
Best News Ever.
🙂

Here are some Britney Spears Divorce Links for Your Evening:

Perez has a barrage of great articles of their last final days as a couple including an explosive weekend in NYC that was the nail in the coffin for the relationship [PerezHilton]

Defamer thinks MTV’s plague of bees is god showing displeasure at this holy relationship being over. [Defamer]

A classic “Letter of Fug” from Brit to Kevin. And I quote, “I hope your cornrows all fall out and you trip on your manpris and you break your face and you crash your car.” Actually I hope she takes his stupid car she bought for him away. [GoFugYourself]

America’s Camelot Has Ended, even puppies are sad. [The Gilded Moose]

Oh, it is also election day too. You better vote!!!! God (in all forms) Bless America!

Britney Spears is Legally One Kinky Bitch

November 7, 2006

An L.A. judge has dismissed a libel suit brought by Britney Spears which accused Us Weekly of defamation for running a story about a sex tape she allegedly made with K-Fed. The suit was filed last year by Brit and her hubby (who MSN refers to as “dancer Kevin Federline” — ha!), and sought $10M in damages for a story the magazine ran under the headline “Brit & Kev: Secret Sex Tape? New parents have a new worry: racy footage from 2004.”

Judge Lisa Hart Cole concluded the headline was not defamatory, as Brit-Brit “put her modern sexuality squarely, and profitably, before the public eye.” She cited examples from Britney and Kevin’s brief and painful venture into reality television, Chaotic, which included shots of Britney filming Kevin in the shower and interviewing him on a bus, while she was naked, and “otherwise catching plaintiff talking uninhibitedly about her sex life.” Okay: how lucky are Judge Cole’s law clerks? Can you even imagine the talk in the cafeteria?

Judge Cole’s Clerk: Hey, man, what’d you do today?
Less Fortunate Clerk: Oh, you know, reviewed 150 pages of case law, suggested a dismissal on in rem jurisdiction, ordered lunch for the boss. You?
JCC: The usual. Got in early, had a cup of coffee, billed eight hours watching Britney Spears talk about her sex life in low-cut shirts. Rough day.
LFC: I hate you.
JCC: Yeah. Good potato salad today, though.
LFC: I hate you.

Good Morning! Happy Kevin Federline Album Release Day!

October 31, 2006


I hear it’s some other manner of holiday today, too, but, seriously, who cares if it’s freakin’ Christmas? The Kevin Federline album drops today! You can listen to Playing with Fire (the censored version) for free on AOL music now. You only have to stick around for two minutes to hear the very first usage of “California kush.” God, weed is so cool.

I’ll be honest: it’s not a terrible rap album. It’s not, guys. Sorry to disappoint. It’s pretty unremarkable aside from the fact that it’s Kevin Federline’s, but it’s not that bad. The album is largely centered on his bizarre rise to fame, and there are some great lines. On “America’s Most Hated,” he wonders, “Who told this bastard that he can’t rap / I’ve got fifty mil / I can do whatever I want.” And you know what? He’s right. (I’ll note that I’ve seen the last part of this line taken out of context in a variety of reviews, paired with a line that comes earlier, “All these model chicks wanna do me,” implying that he’s unfaithful to Britney. That’s not what he said, guys, and if you’re looking that hard for a reason to criticize, Federline won.)

Throughout the album, KFed is consistently straight-forward about who he is and why he’s famous, and I give him credit for that. It’s typically peppered with the obligatory references to driving fancy cars and drinking expensive liquor and smoking killer weed, but there are also plenty of references to Britney (who he always refers to only as “my wife”), and they’re all really sweet. He mentions more than once how much he’s in love with her, and I started to understand — just for a minute — how Brit fell for him.

Look, it’s not a stellar album, and if he weren’t married to Britney Spears, you’d never hear anything about it (primarily because it never would have been made). But the thing is, he knows that, and he’s honest about it on his album. He gets points from me for that. It’s totally mediocre, but it’s not so awful as we’d imagined. I mean, have you ever actually listened to the lyrics in anything Gwen Stefani wrote? Playing with Fire is Pulitzer Prize material in comparison. Also, there’s a hidden track. When was the last time an album had a hidden track? Dookie?

The hype surrounding the album hasn’t seemed to help ticket sales for Federline’s shows, as Page Six reports that his Cleveland show was canceled due to lack of interest, and his NYC show is likely to meet the same fate. But today — and just today — you’re okay in my book, Kevin.

My Middle Name is Earl

October 24, 2006

Britney baby mystery solved! TMZ got ahold of the kid’s birth certificate, which indicates that Britney birthed a male named Jayden James Federline.

My favorite part of all this? Kevin’s middle name is Earl. And, when asked to sign the document, he printed his name. Oh, well. At least he spelled it right. Small favors, right?