Archive for the ‘Leonardo DiCaprio’ Category

LEO IS SINGLE!!!

January 29, 2007

I suppose I should be making a concerted effort to care about the SAG awards right now, but, thankfully, there is much more exciting news on the gossip horizon!

According to “press reports” (in fairness, I cannot find the source for the life of me, but who needs a source for great news like this?), Leonardo DiCaprio got his ass dumped by his girlfriend of six months, Israeli model Bar Rafaeli. The paper breaking the story is supposedly Britain’s News of the World (again, can’t find anything on their website, but whatevs), who quotes a source as saying that Bar couldn’t keep up with Leo’s crazy par-tay lifestyle: “Bar is a professional model so she has to be healthy and look great every day, so there is no way that she could keep up with that kind of decadent lifestyle. When they were apart she worried about what he was up to and in the end decided it would be easier and less painful just to say enough is enough.”

Sheesh. Clearly this girl needs to take lessons from Kate Moss, who manages to look great and get high every single day! (Although News of the World also reports that Moss is about to be dumped by client Rimmel, as her age is starting to show.)

There are a few lessons to take from this. The first is that anyone can get dumped, even if you’re Leonardo Freaking DiCaprio. The second is that, if and when you do get dumped, it’s unwise to take refuge in a bottle of self-tanner and then attend the SAG awards. Lastly, and most important, Leo is now single and vulnerable! Time to move in for the kill, ladies!

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Golden Globe Me

December 14, 2006

The Golden Globe Nominations have been announced.

I don’t know who the Hollywood Foreign Press is, I’ve never met a member, no one has, and I assume they run around with assault rifles in countries that are still developing economies.

Nevertheless, we look to them each year as an indicator of what will be Oscar chosen and what might be left out. Let’s take a look at some of the themes in this year’s nominations:

Theme 1: Dear Clint Eastwood, would you please have sex with us?

He received two noms for best director. Break that down. Of the five best movies for 2006 Clint was at the helm for two of them. Garbage. Flags of Our Fathers was a film that no one went to see; those that did came away scratching their heads and inquiring as to whether they could have their money back.

Theme 2: Leo DiCaprio, any chance you need some sexual healing?

Two noms for our boy Leo too. These are a little more reasonable given the films he was in were actually watchable but still, two nominations for the same guy? Ballsy call, Globes, courage defined over there.

Theme 3: We foreign press guys know about more films than you could ever dream of Yanqui slime!
Let me name some films for you. Kinky Boots. Miss Potter. Nomad. Little Children. Okay, you might have heard of Little Children but you sure as hell didn’t see it because no one in the entire country did. Fucking Kinky BOOTS???

Theme 4: We also have a deeper cinematic knowledge than you can ever hope to!
Movies aren’t for entertainment, they’re to make us feel superior. And that’s why we like Babel.

So yeah, it’s another banner year for award nominations, where the continuing theme seems to be “Hey, you, look at us!”

The Rest of the Sexy Pants

November 16, 2006

Okay, after Sir George (and really, let’s just Knight him already) here is the rest of the list from People:

2. Patrick Dempsey
3. Ashton Kutcher
4. Taye Diggs
5. Johnny Depp
6. Josh Duhamel
7. Enrique Murciano
8. Leonardo DiCaprio
9. John Krasinski
10. Jake Gyllenhaal

Both good and horrible choices here. Also EvilT, EvilB, why no chiming in on this? Must I be the only grader of manflesh?

Anyway, Ashton Kutcher at #3 is preposterous. My cat exudes more sex appeal and I don’t even own a cat. I love Johnny Depp and his disaffected hair so I salute that one; I only wish us thick hair guys could compete with our giant bushels of Afro.

Leonardo DiCaprio? Really? Well, if you like your men waiflike and flaxen like back in the days of rampant tuberculosis I guess I could see that.

The #9 choice, John Krasinski, is actually really solid. When I saw the name I didn’t know who the hell it was but it turns out he’s the guy from The Office (but not Steve Carell). I think I would date him, and he’s about to become a giant movie star as evidenced by his smaller roles in two very “buzzy” films, For Your Consideration and Dreamgirls.

Enrique Murciano is the guy from Without a Trace. It seems to be a TV show of some kind. I wouldn’t know him if he physically assaulted me and left a card that said “I’m Enrique Murciano.”

Josh Duhamel is very close to not being worth even talking about. He was decent enough in the show Las Vegas but this is more a case of People Magazine star building than calling it like it is. Plus if you knew everyone on the list you wouldn’t bother purchasing it which would make Mr. People Magazine Jr. very sad.

My final complaint is Patrick Dempsey. I haven’t met a woman yet who doesn’t swoon for him but I can’t for the life of me see it. He disappeared for like a decade! Was he being sexy when he was passing out resumes? Let’s call his sexy quotient what it is, a flash in the pan cheap kind of sexy that makes all of us feel a little dirtier. Wait, I just read that back and maybe that’s what sexy truly is.

Crap. I hate you Patrick Dempsey. Call me.