Archive for the ‘Saved by the Bell is Amazing’ Category

Harry Potter’s Ass

February 16, 2007
Um, so, I think this kid’s 17, so I may actually be trafficking in kiddie porn here. If that’s the case, um — authorities? — if you could just kindly alert me I will gladly take this picture down. Until then, our favorite Equustrian, Daniel Radcliffe, continues to take his clothing off for promo shots. Rumor has it the actual play contains full frontal nudity, so it’s really just a matter of time before some Harry Potter cock makes the Internet rounds (holy Christ, I just said “Harry Potter cock”). Seriously — this kid was born in July of 1989. Am I really that bad at math or does that make him underage still? Is that legal in Britain? Underage penises? On stage?

I am all for this kid building a career independent of Harry Potter, but is this kind of reminiscent of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls for anyone else? Like, we get it, Jessie Spano. You can play a different character. But you know what I’d really pay to see? Daniel Radcliffe doing the caffeine-pill episode of Saved by the Bell. “I’m so excited! I’m so, I’m so … scared!!” Okay okay I’m rambling now. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: Harry Potter’s ass.

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More Screech Drama

January 30, 2007

If you can believe it, it turns out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is every bit the classy gentleman that his Dirty-Sanchezed sex tape would make him out to be. Diamond, who is currently taping VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club 5, has reportedly had trouble making friends with many of his castmates. (As an aside: I have plenty of adjectives to describe Dustin Diamond, but “overweight” has never been one of them. I like how he’s doing the “fat celeb” television show just because it’s a television show.)

Diamond appears on the program alongside Kimberley Locke, from American Idol, and Tiffany, from malls. Both stormed off the set after Locke got into a fight with Diamond. Are you ready for the funniest thing ever? This is what Diamond said on-camera to upset Locke: “Screw Kimberley Locke. I’m going to make a dildo of my cock and fuck her with it.” After the walkout, producers halted the taping and sent everyone home. Kimberley is now telling the producers that either she goes or Dustin goes.

An inside source says that Dustin has not made many friends on the show: “Nobody wants him on their team. The producers have a difficult decision to make.” This is so wonderful! Celebrity Fit Club has their very own Puck!

You know, it’s moments like these that make me glad to be alive. Sunsets are lovely, and I enjoy the sound of the ocean and a cool breeze across my cheek, and falling in love is a thrill every now and then, but, mostly, it’s waking up on a cloudy Tuesday morning to discover that Screech threatened to sodomize an American Idol contestant with a self-styled sex toy that make me stop and reflect on just how suddenly joyful this journey of life can be. Thank you, Dustin Diamond. Thank you for everything.

Screech Sex Tape: The Review

November 22, 2006

Evil T and I are not especially skilled in the fine art of film review, and Spiteful Lars prefers his pornography to involve Kevin Federline, so we left it up to those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot to review Dustin Diamond’s feces-riffic opus, and here’s what they had to say:

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through “1 Night in Paris” purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both “Mark” and “Bro”.

Diamond’s entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including “You grew up with me, baby!”) eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down…

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, “Screeched” features too many shots of Diamond’s face (Ed: frankly I’d prefer that to shots of his head, if ya know what I mean). It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo.

In my previous research on the topic of the Screech sex tape, I’d not come across the fact that he was intruding on a bachelorette party — apparently the key female players here are the bride and her bridesmaid. Can you imagine destroying your marriage before it’s even begun because you had dirty, on-camera, poo-related sex with Dustin Diamond? Whoever this would-be groom is, he narrowly dodged a bullet.

Link Me Hard

November 7, 2006

They are remaking Dirty Dancing, and Mario Lopez is on the short list of celebs to star in the Patrick Swayze role, and still I wait, patient and hopeful, for my Lark Voorhies comeback. [ICYDK]

The Anna Nicole saga continues. This week, she’s worried her son is sad in the afterlife, because “he doesn’t know anybody.” [Junkiness]

Courtney Love is finding it hard to get laid in sobriety. [MollyGood]

Check out the first single from AmIdol‘s Chris Daughtry, “It’s Not Over.” Honestly, an AmIdol fourth-placer is calling his first single “It’s Not Over.” I can’t even pick a joke. [Tabloid Whore]

The Los Angeles Galaxy wants to sign David Beckham if he doesn’t renew his contract with Real Madrid. [BBC Sport]

Is Nick Lachey planning to propose to Vanessa Minnillo on his birthday this Thursday? For the sake of Friday’s blogging, please let it be so! [Hollyscoop]

SNL is Really Just Sad Now

October 4, 2006

I don’t even know who the “comedian” is playing Screech in this Weekend Update bit on the Screech sex tape, but nothing about it is right. Not even the costume. How hard is it to get a costume that looks like something Screech would wear? IT IS NOT HARD, LORNE MICHAELS. It is not hard at all. And the voice? Has he ever even seen a SBTB episode? Did someone just tell him “He sounds kind of like Kermit the Frog,” so he just went with a Kermit voice? The mannerisms are all wrong too. There is a cricket who lives on my patio who does a better Screech Powers.

YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE, NBC!

And if you still care, TMZ has a second clip from the actual video, featuring girls who are — you guessed it — way, way drunk.

Clips from the Screech Sex Tape!

September 28, 2006

Watch it here!

A lovely quote from Screech himself:

“If you freeze-frame right at the blue jelly double-cock, um, I believe there’s poop on the end of it…I can’t wait to see what Mark [I assume -Paul Gosselaar] does to top this. He won’t be able to come close, I’m sure, because poop was involved in mine.”

I’m sure Mark-Paul Gosselaar is thrilled beyond words to know that he is referenced in Dustin Diamond’s scat-tastic sex tape.

Also, the kids at Best Week Ever have put together this list of other Screech sex moves you might want to try with your partner(s). An excerpt, if I may:

The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”

There is a Screech Sex Tape and It Involves a Dirty Sanchez

September 27, 2006

I don’t really know what else to say about this. It’s like standing at the edge of Victoria Falls, feeling the soft mist on your face and watching the sunlight dance along the currents and the greenery and thinking to yourself “I can make this somehow better.” No, my friend, you cannot.

You Asked for It: The Guys from Laguna Beach May Occasionally Hit Things Other Than Kristin Cavalleri’s Vagina Edition

August 29, 2006

Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don’t offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it’s funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless


Judging from these samples, it’s not a real shocker that the Internet doesn’t abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You’re so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google — “stephen colletti shirtless” — produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here’s a hint for all of us: spell it “Voorhies,” because, you know, it turns out that’s how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here’s a beer bong, it’s the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You’re awfully specific, aren’t you? I’ve actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of “Jason Wahler” and “cocaine.” Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we’ll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don’t want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won’t print.

“white wife”

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.

Box-Office Hits for Your Weekend

August 26, 2006

Just a few random clips I thought I’d leave for anyone who swings by this weekend.

Remember when Jessie Spano was abusing caffeine pills? Yes, you do. You reminisce about it at least once weekly with your friends. Unless you’re one of the people who keeps showing up on this site searching for Cacee Cobb and Donald Faison, in which case you are 14 at best, and the only thing you know about Mark-Paul Gosselaar is that he died in a car accident at least 5 times before you finished elementary school.

Speaking of Donald Faison’s love interests, here’s Garden State as a horror trailer, via The Trailer Mash.

And last but not least, probably the most appropriate use of a treadmill I’ve seen in years. Thanks to Alex for the link.

Closing Time

August 11, 2006

It’s a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

  • Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as “Law & Order: SVU actor.” It’s as if Stand and Deliver never even happened…so sad…
  • Fuck. Yes. Screech — who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as “Dustin Diamond” — says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a — wait for it, just wait — adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
  • La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
  • Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there’s anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
  • Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
  • I mean, she didn’t, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?