Archive for the ‘When Bad Things Happen to Other People’ Category

It Has Occurred to Kate Hudson That She Is Attractive and Her Husband Is Not

August 14, 2006

Finally. Okay, brutal honesty from me: these two drive me insane. She is so young and beautiful and talented and famous, and he is so old and horse-faced and bearded and irrelevant, and I absolutely hated the possibility that true love could have triumphed over all of that.

Phew.

Kate Hudson’s rep confirmed today that the Almost Famous star will be splitting from her not-even-in-the-same-room-as-famous-anymore hubby of six years, former guitarist singer for some band that the kids at your high school who hung out on the grassy knoll and drew anarchy symbols on their Skechers may have heard of, Chris Robinson. Tossed amid the wreckage will undoubtedly be their 2-year-old son, Ryder.

Kate, in exchange for your decision to spare me a lifetime of nauseating interview quotes about the pureness and unquestionable staying power of your love for the man you married at 21, I will end this entry without making any play at all on How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days; this puts me on a road far, far above everyone else who has written about your glee-inducing marital cataclysm in the past two hours. You’re welcome.

Today Could Be Worse

August 10, 2006

You could be this girl.

Meet the (Ex) Barkers

August 8, 2006


To the utter surprise of absolutely no one, super-skinny mega-tattooed rockstar Travis Barker filed for divorce this morning from his wife of two years, the ever- heavier and less-employed former Miss USA/Playboy eagle-spreader Shanna Moakler (I know, I know, she just had a kid, leave her alone, but this isn’t fucking therapy, it’s a gossip blog, and the girl has been large lately, and you noticed, too).

Memorandum

To: Celebrity couples
From: The Evil Beet
Re: Tips for a successful marriage

Hey! Celebrity couples! A few pointers from your friend the EB:

1) Not everything has to be so extreme. When the theme of your wedding is Nightmare Before Christmas and then you go and name your daughter Alabama, you become irreconcilable even as caricatures. Where in there is a marriage supposed to fit?

2) Pass on the MTV series.

3) No, really, pass on the MTV series.

4) Other misguided labels for progeny: Sailor, Apple, Suri.

5) No, you can’t take the VH1 series either. If they have headquarters in Santa Monica, you probably shouldn’t let them film in your bedroom. (This is really a good rule of thumb for anyone trying to make it in Los Angeles.)

All my best,
EB

Update: In sorta related news, Kristy Swanson admits she’s pregnant, which is really, really good, because last time I saw a picture of her I was like “holy sweet Jesus, when did Buffy get so fat??” Seriously, I have no idea what this Skating with Celebrities business is all about; Kristy Swanson will always be the one and only Buffy in my mind.

Nicky Hilton’s Body Isn’t That Much Better than Yours

August 3, 2006


I know it’s mean and misogynistic to pick on female celebs’ body types, but I saw this picture on The Skinny Website (don’t even get me started), and I really felt a lot better about my body. So don’t think of this as my cattiness, think of it as your self-confidence boost for the day. I am just trying to help.

You know, people say she tries to stay out of the spotlight — she’s hawking a fashion line and getting into the hotel biz and not fucking every C-list scenester on the Sunset Strip (just the one) — but it’s not like this girl actually goes out of her way to avoid being in the public eye. I crossed paths with all 5-foot-absolutely-nothing of her at a party last year, and she posed for the cameras for a good solid fifteen minutes before grabbing her gift bag and heading back out the door. She could have afforded the swag on her own; she came to have her picture taken. She’s not trying that hard, people.

Christie Brinkley is SUCH a Rock Star

August 3, 2006


Christie Brinkley’s creepy, philandering excuse for a husband made a short visit to their Hamptons compound yesterday. Christie stuck around for 15 minutes before getting the hell out of dodge, returning less than an hour later with a gift for the photog camped outside her house. She gave him a box of sugar-free Popsicles with a handwritten note inside. “Sorry you have to do this on such a hot day!” she’d written.

When asked to speak about the brief meeting with her creepy, philandering excuse for a husband, Brinkley said “I’d rather not comment. I just don’t want to fuel this anymore.”

Awww. She’s a class act, that Christie. She even made everyone who works in the architecture firm owned by her creepy, philandering excuse for a husband sign an NDA so they can’t gab to the media about his creepy philandering.

Unfortunately, that Billy Joel clone she totes around the Hamptons hasn’t had comparable media training.

Cheer up, Christie! So he was sleeping with a woman less than half your age. At least he wasn’t sleeping with your brother.

Source: E! Online

The Asshole who Slept with My Brother

August 3, 2006


Hoping that the still-murky landscape of Internet law will deter the obvious libel charges, DontDateHimGirl.com has established a targeted marketer’s wet dream: a website where women can share horror stories about the men they’ve been with who have perpetrated horrible, thoughtless acts that they are likely to repeat in the future, along with their names, locations and photographs. Or, more plausibly, it’s a website where women can make nasty shit up about that guy from the bar who never called again after you gave him a blow job under the DJ booth. Hell hath no fury, &c. The Google adbots don’t have to work too hard to get this one right.

It is, obviously, a business model equally arousing for civil-court lawyers and people who derive pleasure from watching the trainwrecks of other people’s lives on the Internet. I left law school three years short of a J.D., but I fall squarely into the latter category. This place is schadenfreude heaven, and a comedic goldmine to boot. I’ll add first that the following data is notably alleged:

Some highlights:

Bryant Wells, of the greater Pittsburgh area, is a “cheatin ass lyin ass nigga” although the author “ain’t even goin lie he looks good.” Apparently this guy will bang anything that walks, which is understandable, because, at 5-foot-3, you take what you can get.

Ephraim Reavis, of Philadelphia, was cheating on his fiancee and managed to contract the herpes virus in the process. Don’t let him try to prove otherwise, because “he knows people who work at free health clinics who will give him a clean bill of health.” Can you imagine this conversation? How is this done? STD test results are produced in a lab, right, even if the tests are administered in a clinic? So do they have “Hug Me I’m Herpes-Free” stickers they award to the fortunate few? Or does this mildly retarded chick walk into the local free clinic with this dude, go up to the front desk and say “Can you please confirm for me that this guy doesn’t have the herp? Get out your ID, baby.”

[Name removed per request], of [location removed per request], sleeps with lots of girls at the same time, and “felt it was okay to Jerk off in front of me on our 1st and 2nd date.” I doubt this guy was concerned much with your potential reaction on the first date, sweetie, but I assure you he’d determined it was 100% okay when you showed up for the second date.

And my favorite:

Hakiem George, of Manhattan, NY, “doesnt only like girls ladies he is bisexual.” How does she know this? Because he had sex with her brother, and “my brother felt guilty and just told me the truth after finding…out [that Hakiem had chlamydia].” Since the author claims to be STD-free, she has deduced that “he was freaking 2 other girls maybe more and my brother.” This is another conversation I would like to be in the room to hear. “Hey, I gotta be straight with you, sis. Actually, maybe that’s not the right word to use here…”

Mel Gibson Takes Well-Deserved Break from Being Holier Than Thou, Drives Drunk

July 29, 2006

Way to go, Melly boy! You’ve earned it. All those years of being so much better than everybody else are bound to take their toll on a man. TMZ reports that everyone’s favorite alleged anti-Semite is trying on a new hood — ahem, hat — as a drunk driver. According to the report, he was pulled over early this morning in Malibu heading eastbound on PCH (side note: at what point in Malibu does PCH run eastbound?) and blew a 0.12 BAC. The legal limit in California is 0.08, so with a little mathemagic we can definitively state that Mel Gibson’s blood alcohol content was 50% above the legal limit. It just kind of rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it?

Update: Wow, turns out the “alleged” part was a pipe dream. Gibson spewed anti-Semitic venom at the arresting officer. Elliott Back has the highlights. Apparently the police didn’t want to publicize those little details, fearing they’d be “way too inflammatory” in the face of the current situation in Israel. Does anyone ever wonder how much of this shit fell through the cracks before we had bloggers to pick it all up?

This also helps explain his apology today. In it, Gibson claims he “said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable.” He also claims he has “battled the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse.” Melly old son, plenty of alcoholics in this world do nothing more inflammatory than talk to ferns. It’s a vicious disease, sure, but no one believes for a second that you don’t hate you some Jews.

Today Could Be Worse (7/18/06)

July 18, 2006

You could be Christie Brinkley.