Late-Night Links

Now you can cross “See Steven Tyler’s bare ass” off your list of things to do before you die. I know, I know. When you put it on there twenty years ago it seemed a much more appealing proposal. Beggars can’t be choosers. But thankfully his daughter girlfriend is there to add a touch of youth to the image. [MollyGood]

How is it surprising to anyone, let alone someone who has actually had sex with her, that Anna Nicole continues to sell pictures of her baby to the tabloids? Come on, Larry Birkhead. You know you’re loving this. [Cele|bitchy]

Britney and her new parasite drop $40K a night on the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms. I’m not sure why she needs that rotating bed. You know the whole room is spinning for her by bedtime anyway.* [Pop on the Pop]

Who is Keeley Hazell? Who cares? Her sex tape leaked. [Bossip]

Damn. I was in the Lindsay-Lohan’s-boobs-are-real camp for a long, long time, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts. [Yeeeah!]

Oh happy day! It turns out Gwen Stefani looks human before you airbrush the hell out of her. [Teddy and Moo]

Snore. Heather Mills wins something in her never-ending battle with Sir Paul McCartney. Wake me when I’m British. [Monica Monroe]

*A special congrats to Isaac Cohen, who, having been Britney’s boy-toy for over a week now, has earned his previously irrelevant ass its very own label here on the Beet.

Late-Night Links

Hilary Swank’s New Year’s resolution is to give away the swag she gets for free, like, every time she leaves her house. That’s nice. My New Year’s resolution is to stop cutting myself when I have to read about how Hilary Swank gets free stuff every time she leaves the house. [Gabsmash]

If you position yourself correctly, you just might be able to have sex with Keira Knightley’s abs. [The Blemish]

Gwen Stefani looking hot in Elle. [Monica Monroe]

Jewel says she’s giving up acting. What? When did she act? Is she referring to that one time she acted like she could write poetry and released a whole book of it? Oh, please say she is. [IBBB]

JT finally cops to the Cam break-up, may or may not be porking Scarlett Johansson. Regardless, it’s nice to see that everyone is at all times remembering to make “dick-in-a-box” jokes when they talk about him. [Agent Bedhead]

Will Smith at the London premiere of “Pursuit of Happyness” with his happi famili. Two can play at this game, Will. [Juicy-News]

Oh, miracle of miracles! There’s actually video of Paris running out of gas near Beverly Hills. A full five minutes of it. [Splash]

Early Evening Links

Jennifer Hudson looooooves gay sex now. [A Socialite’s Life]

Tom Cruise seems to have figured out that being seen with Oprah Winfrey, under any circumstance, is only going to ignite the batshit-crazy vibe he’d like to quell. [Celebitchy]

Nicole Richie’s snatching up Hilary Duff’s sloppy seconds. [Yeeeah!]

Gwen Stefani: still naming things L.A.M.B. Up now: perfume. [Glitterati]

Live-blogging the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. [Film.com]

Gobble Up These Links (ha ha HA!)

Today in tasteful: unearthed 1986 footage of Michael Richards in blackface. [The Bosh]

When Prison Break first aired, I gave it three hours of my life that I will never get back, then gave up. But Wentworth Miller is still way hot, so check out this interview with him. [Gossip or Truth, more]

If you’re anything like the rest of the country, you’ve been waiting ever so anxiously to hear what a recently divorced Juliette Lewis thinks about former boyfriend Brad Pitt. Thanks goodness she’s finally weighed in. [Agent Bedhead]

The Beyonce/Jay-Z shelf life is nearing its end. Maybe they can time the break-up to coincide with the opening of Dreamgirls. Wouldn’t that be nice? [Rhymes with Snitch]

Stylist Rachel Zoe claims Nicole Richie fired her after she “voiced concerns … about her lifestyle.” [PopSugar]

When asked about Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe takes the high road. No pun intended. [celebrity nation]

And just for the hell of it, really cute pics of Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale and their adorable little critter out shopping. [Dirty Laundry]

Weird Ass Music Videos

Say one day Gwen Stefani got really high and then rented “The Sound of Music.” This is what would happen. It sounds like Fergie, but Fergie sounded like Gwen so really I had no idea who it was when I heard it on the radio. The video trips me out though. I think I may have had a bad childhood experience with puppets.

Odds & Ends: All the News That’s Not Suri Cruise!

Today’s mostly Asian-Baby-Called-Suri-Cruise Day on the internets, but if you’re now suitably bored and disturbed reading the TomKat PR script optioned by Vanity Fair, here are some other things going on in celeb news:

• You know what would be purely sensational and unfair and hurtful to the Mel Gibson clan? Dragging his oldest son’s past DUI into this mess. My favorite part of this article is the discussion of how Christian Gibson got sober at Cirque Lodge in Utah — the “same facility that helped Mary-Kate Olsen beat anorexia in 2004.” Apparently sobriety has the same staying power in the Gibson family as eating has in the Olsens’.
• Gwen Stefani will not fucking stop calling things “Love. Angel. Music. Baby.” This time it’s a line of dolls. “The Harajuku Girls and I wore such wicked costumes we had to share them with the world again,” Stefani announced. Such a giving soul in a truly world-class songwriter and lyricist. How rare.
• Why it took Joe Eszterhas this long to write a tell-all is a mystery to me. Daily News has some of the highlights. Among them: Val Kilmer is an imbecile. Asked by the Academy to nominate the three best film moments of the century, Kilmer nominated three of his movies. One of them was ‘Batman Forever.’
• Britney Spears is planning a C-section tomorrow, at which point the multi-millionairess will officially have given birth to two babies in less than one year, both by a white boy who wears conrows and wife-beaters and fancies himself a rapper. You can take the girl out of Kentwood, right?

Odds and Ends: Nope, Still Nothing Here about Suri Cruise’s Poop

• I haven’t posted about Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb in at least two days. So you’ll all be relieved to know that they showed up together to TV Guide’s Post-Emmy bash at Social Hollywood. I think it’s time to stop speculating and start coping. They’re a couple.
• Gwen Stefani is boycotting the VMAs because she tries really hard to sing good and dance sexy but she just really feels like they’re being nicer to Kelly Clarkson and sometimes she feels picked on like they just really don’t care if they hurt her feelings and it’s just not faaaaiiiir.
• Yes, okay, here’s the Beyonce nip slip. Are you happy? Now leave me to wallow in the sad, Beyonce-nip-slip-posting life I’ve created for myself. I wanted to write literary fiction once, you know.

• La Lohan’s pop would like the opportunity to expound on his prison art.
• Recently divorced Hilary Swank is dating her not-quite-yet-divorced agent at CAA. Will she never get involved with someone famous?
• JT and Cameron in splitsville? Perez Hilton thinks mayhaps.
• I am not writing about or linking to anything regarding Suri Cruise’s fecal matter, be it bronzed or otherwise. I’m just not. Sorry to disappoint.