Did Britney Birth a Girl?

When Britney Spears gave birth to her latest Federspawn on September 12, we reported that the lucky new Band-Aid for Britney’s gaping emotional wounds was a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline. This week, sources are reporting that the baby is neither a boy nor another SPF, but rather a little girl named Jayden James.

A pal of KFed’s mom says that “Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden.” Now, in fairness, this woman represents one-half of Kevin Federline’s genetics, so I haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility that she forgets her grandchild’s name with some regularity. But she’s not the only one confused.

The photogs at X17 say that, a week after the child’s birth, they spotted Britney’s bodyguard shopping at a kids’ clothing store in Malibu, and buying only pink baby items. Was Brit’s security planning a practical joke for Kevin? Probably not — he wasn’t laughing. X17 explains that they don’t have footage of the event because “Britney’s bodyguard came at our guys, threatening to call the Malibu Police…if they didn’t give him the video tape immediately.”

Jayden is a name of English origin meaning “God has heard,” which seems more like an ominous warning to Kevin regarding his forthcoming album than a proper name for a Spears-Federline bloodline merging, but our best wishes stay with the Federlines and their newborn.

Britney Spears’ Baby Name Revealed!

It’s official: on September 12 of this year, Britney Spears birthed a 72-year-old British man.

Although we have not yet seen photos of the crotchety old wanker, his age and obvious pedigree can be inferred from the name the Federlines are rumored to have selected: Sutton Pierce.

S. Pierce (read: “Spears”) will share his initials and future therapy sessions with his brother, Sean Preston, born September 14 of last year. Britney gave birth to little Sutty via Cesarian section at Cedars-Sinai in LA on Tuesday.