Picking up the Pieces

Oh hells no! Britney removes K-Fed from her top 12 on MySpace. That’s what you get for writing mean things about her on shower walls, Kevin. [Faded Youth]

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are turned away from the London world premiere of Casino Royale, after someone very wise determined that perhaps Queen Elizabeth should not share a red carpet with a world-renowned cokehead. [Agent Bedhead]

Madonna confirms that she plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi, in order to “redress the balance” in her family. Madonna says things like “redress” because she’s British. Oh wait. [Dirty Laundry]

Donald Trump is going to be a grandpa. Sadly, it’s not because Lance Armstrong knocked up Ivanka. [The Bosh]

Madame Tussaud’s unveils the new Ashlee Simpson wax likeness. What’s that? Oh, I’m told that’s actually Ashlee Simpson. [Celebrity Smack]

Okay, so, in college, some friends and I determined that Sexual Misadventures with Kimmy Gibbler would be, hands-down, the best band name ever. My reasons for mentioning this now are twofold. First, it’s still true, and someone should get on that. Second, Bob Saget actually makes reference to sex with Kimmy Gibbler in this clip of his stand-up, where he sings “Danny Tanner Is Not Gay” to the tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way.” [BWE]

Are you ready to masturbate to sneakers? Reebok sure hopes so. They’ve hired Scarlett to co-create a line of footwear and apparel and star in the ad campaign. [IDLYITW]

Finally! It’s time for the Reese Witherspoon love interest rumors! Up first: Jake Gyllenhaal. [Hollywood Grind]

Kellie Pickler on Childhood Abuse

The AmIdol standout, whose album is at #1 on the country charts, and who may have her own sitcom soon, reveals to Us Weekly that she suffered childhood physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her mother.

“I remember my mother and I were in the kitchen and I said, ‘I wish God would take me away, I’d much rather be dead than live here with you.’ She took a knife out, set it on the counter and said, ‘Here, do it then.’ I was in fourth grade. Of course I never would have acted upon it, but it’s done a lot of emotional scarring.”

So come on, Kat McPhee, let’s hear about that fucking eating disorder one more time. I dare ya.

Oh Hells Yes: Fox Developing a Kellie Pickler Sitcom

From Variety:

A sitcom star is born: Fox is developing a half-hour comedy revolving around “American Idol” finalist Kellie Pickler.

Pickler will play a naive small-town Southern girl — a character based on herself — who discovers that her biological father is the state’s well-respected governor. His presidential dreams are put in jeopardy, but the two form a father-daughter relationship that winds up helping his standing in the polls.

Expect Kat McPhee to be talking loudly about her eating disorder by early next week.

Picking up the Pieces, Just Like Reese Witherspoon Has to Now

Reese Witherspoon officially files for divorce, then tells her manager to text Ryan Phillippe to let him know. [ICYDK]

Lindsay Lohan’s car is hit — again — by paparazzi. [Egotastic]

Bill Cosby settles his sexual assault charge for an undisclosed amount. [I’m Not Obsessed]

Remember Raj from The Apprentice? Apparently he was running for Congress in Pennsylvania. If I’d known that, I might have paid attention to these elections. But, once again, he wasn’t hired. [Junkiness]

Kellie Pickler’s album debuts at #1 on the country charts. “WHAT?” screams Faith Hill. But she was just joking. [Girls Talkin’ Smack]

Socialites say the darndest things. [Gawker]