Late-Night Links

Ron Goldman’s family takes another stab at suing O.J. Simpson. Har har. [A Socialite’s Life]

Kim Cattrall says the Sex and the City movie is back on. [Hollywood Backwash]

Mel Gibson learns he may have a 29-year-old daughter as the result of a one-night stand in the ’70s. Much to my chagrin, she’s not Jewish. [Defamer]

Britney Spears desperately needs PR representation to help her better craft her lies. [Cele|bitchy]

Joel Madden removes himself from Nicole Richie for long enough to help ex-girlfriend Hilary Duff drop the restraining order against her stalker. [Pop on the Pop]

Lindsay Lohan hopes your Christmas is adequite. [The Gilded Moose]

Pictures of Christina Aguilera trashed out of her head always have an endearing quality to them. Britney ought to take lessons. [Yeeeah!]

Bigots of the World, Unite!

Entertainment Weekly has pulled an interview with Mr. Mel Gibson (his own self).

Overall the interview is well done and somewhat thoughtful. I’d never claim Mel isn’t smart, I’d just claim that clearly he should lay off the fire water. Here are a few of the choice bits though:

Do you feel you’ve done enough apologizing for your anti-Semitic remarks?
“Those were the ravings of an inebriated, angry person. I don’t know. I think publicly I have done enough.”

Hey, newsflash, that person was you. You are angry, were inebriated, raved. I’m sick of people saying “It was the anger talking.” That anger is you fella, take responsibility and say “I’m an angry guy and that’s something I battle with.” Who is this third person you speak of?

People won’t really refuse to work with you?
“No, people aren’t like that. Those are just headlines: Mel Ostracized by Hollywood! Hollywood is what you make it.”

I can tell you based on my experience in the industry that most people don’t take moral stands. If Mel had come out the next day and said “I believe my statements were correct,” he’d still have work. He owns a production company for God’s sake, he has an Oscar. There is one thing Hollywood values above your personal life and views. Money. Cold hard cash, and Mel has a history of delivering it. Thus, short of raping a goat in front of the Hollywood sign, someone will always want to work with him, no matter the religious affiliation.

Here’s some sympathy from Mel:

“I felt like sending Michael Richards a note. I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress.”

He should feel bad for Richards. Richards is proper fucked, unlike Mel. Why? He hasn’t delivered the money in eight years, and even then it was with an ensemble. Now producers can take a moral stand because it’s fiscally prudent (channeling George Bush I). I now return you to typical Hollywood softball mumbo-jumbo:

Can you teach anybody to act?
“Yeah. It’s about breathing.”

For the record I have no problem separating the art from the artist. Bad people make great films sometimes, sweethearts can make stinkbombs. Braveheart was a great film. But you should be aware that Apocalypto is not a good film. Uber not-goodness. What it is an extremely heavy handed metaphor wrapped up in a very weak story. Boring, silly, pointless. Other than that I loved it. Make sure you see it.

And Another Thing…

A lucky garbage man finds 200 nude photos of Marcia Cross in her garbage and is planning to sell them to the highest bidder. Cross has hired a lawyer to get them back. Note to Marcia: a shredder would have been cheaper. [Hollywood Rag]

Mischa Barton and her boyfriend, Whitestarr frontman Cisco Adler, may be calling it quits. [Pop on the Pop]

Viacom Overlord Sumner Redstone puts his dentures back in for long enough to give us a few more soundbytes on why he kicked Tom Cruise to the curb. [Yeeeah!]

Courtney Love reveals that she was pursuaded to enter rehab through the efforts of none other than drunk driver extraordinaire Mel Gibson. The Kabbalah thing she picked up elsewhere. [Hollyscoop]

Brad Pitt learns of his half-naked appearance on a Vanity Fair cover along with the rest of the nation. [TMZ]

Afternoon Delight: Vaughniston Implodes Under the Weight of its Own Gravity (and over the phone)

• Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston broke up over the phone.
• Madonna selects an African child to adopt with the same obsessive attention to detail and God complex that make her live performances such extraordinary spectacles.

• Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie are dunzo. Barton says Richie’s “fickle,” by which she of course means “starving.”

• Having properly atoned for a year of sins on Yom Kippur, Mel Gibson’s drinking again.
• Ashlee Simpson denies hooking up with Nick Carter while he was with Paris Hilton, using her own special brand of eloquence: “No! That is so random. When I heard that, I was dying laughing.”

Odds & Ends: All the News That’s Not Suri Cruise!

Today’s mostly Asian-Baby-Called-Suri-Cruise Day on the internets, but if you’re now suitably bored and disturbed reading the TomKat PR script optioned by Vanity Fair, here are some other things going on in celeb news:

• You know what would be purely sensational and unfair and hurtful to the Mel Gibson clan? Dragging his oldest son’s past DUI into this mess. My favorite part of this article is the discussion of how Christian Gibson got sober at Cirque Lodge in Utah — the “same facility that helped Mary-Kate Olsen beat anorexia in 2004.” Apparently sobriety has the same staying power in the Gibson family as eating has in the Olsens’.
• Gwen Stefani will not fucking stop calling things “Love. Angel. Music. Baby.” This time it’s a line of dolls. “The Harajuku Girls and I wore such wicked costumes we had to share them with the world again,” Stefani announced. Such a giving soul in a truly world-class songwriter and lyricist. How rare.
• Why it took Joe Eszterhas this long to write a tell-all is a mystery to me. Daily News has some of the highlights. Among them: Val Kilmer is an imbecile. Asked by the Academy to nominate the three best film moments of the century, Kilmer nominated three of his movies. One of them was ‘Batman Forever.’
• Britney Spears is planning a C-section tomorrow, at which point the multi-millionairess will officially have given birth to two babies in less than one year, both by a white boy who wears conrows and wife-beaters and fancies himself a rapper. You can take the girl out of Kentwood, right?

Penelope Cruz’s Right Breast, Among Other Things

• After his little traffic mishap on July 20, the LA County District attorney will charge Haley Joel Osment with a DUI. I’m sure the young Mr. Osment knows how to get through this; after all, he spent most of last month being charged by the media with driving a 1995 Saturn.
• Outted Jew-hater Mel Gibson has been sentenced for his DUI arrest earlier this month. He got 3 years probation and 5 AA meetings a week for the next 4 1/2 months, with 3 meetings a week for the rest of the year after that. He also must pay fines totalling $1300, which is about .00043% of what Passion of the Christ netted him personally. The Life Ring blog notes that the U.S. media tend to tiptoe around AA and other 12-step programs, but Britain’s Telegraph tells it like it is: Mel Gibson is even a nutcase about AA, demanding spur-of-the-moment Big Book discussions immediately before a take on the set of Braveheart. So — who’s down to stalk some Melibu AA meetings? I’ll drive!
• That Owen Wilson knows a good publicity train when he sees one. He hopped on board and he’s grabbing a coal shovel, threatening to sue anyone who suggests he might have a role in the demise of the Kate Hudson/Strange Bearded Man alliance.
• Brangelina are moving to Los Feliz, ostensibly because no one in Los Angeles can agree on how to pronounce it, let alone remember where it is.

Closing Time

It’s a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

• Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as “Law & Order: SVU actor.” It’s as if Stand and Deliver never even happened…so sad…
• Fuck. Yes. Screech — who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as “Dustin Diamond” — says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a — wait for it, just wait — adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
• La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
• Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there’s anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
• Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
• I mean, she didn’t, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?

Robin Williams Not Working Any Program Particularly Well

In the quiet, lapping wake of the notable non-success of RV, Robin Williams has “found himself drinking again,” after 20 years of sobriety, but is taking “proactive measures to deal with this for his own well-being and the well-being of his family,” his publicist said today.

I’m going to go easy on this, because, following Mel Gibson’s Jewgate, simply “finding oneself drinking again” seems like something minor overlooked, as in “I found myself substituting basil alone again, when the recipe clearly called for a full Italian spice mix.” This is much more respectable behavior than “I found myself zig-zagging down PCH at two in the morning, verbally annihilating the race group of people responsible for my employment, and calling someone ‘sugar tits’ in earnest.”

Plus, Death to Smoochie was really, really funny.

I admire his choice to admit to his relapse, I congratulate him on successfully working a program for 20 solid years — as opposed to a certain raging Jew-hater who apparently spent most of 2001 hopping back and forth between bars and AA meetings — and I wish him the best of luck in his courageous journey back to health.

More Mel-odrama

Okay that was cheesy. But it stays.

So anyway…

Disney begins the delicate process of inching away from noted Jew-hater Mel Gibson, with ABC cancelling his upcoming miniseries about the Holocaust. I hope that was a no-brainer, ABC.

Next on Disney’s formidable chopping block may be Gibson’s latest passion project, Apocalypto, the Mayan-language tour-de-force that is, perhaps, a thinly veiled vehicle for Gibson’s long-held hatred of Spaniards (who, you gotta admit, have been responsible for their damn fair share of “all the wars in the world”). It’s hard to be sure, though, because, you know, the movie’s in fucking Mayan.

The trailers boast a release date of Summer 2006, but the latest data from Touchstone has the film slated for early December. Anyone know when the shift occurred?

Update: Never mind, Disney says they are going to move forward with the Mayan-language release of Apocalypto in December. The English-language release will follow never. And 73% of the country is so totally psyched for it!

Wasn’t There Someone Else in Lethal Weapon?

Yup! His name is Danny Glover (ring a bell?), and the most inflammatory thing he did this weekend was help Puerto Rican hotel workers unionize in hopes of seeing better pay and benefits. “The union’s fight is to construct a world in which we want to live,” Glover said at a press conference on Sunday, before tossing back a few cold ones and referring to the reporter from Reuters as “sugar tits.” Oh, wait, except that last part totally didn’t happen. Thank you, Danny Glover.