Late-Night Links

Before we begin, I want to thank Evil T for doing a kick-ass job of holding this place down while I was out of town. She is a total rock star, and I have no idea what I’d do without her. Thanks T! Now, on to the links …

Wait, Tom Cruise isn’t already Jesus? [Celebslam]

Robbie Williams plans to give Elton John the gift of his penis. [Cele|bitchy]

Jared Leto and his earflaps are totally ready to throw down, bitch. [Agent Bedhead]

New pics of Scarlett. You know you’re going to click. Don’t try to fight it. [The Blemish]

Wow, Mandy Moore even depresses herself! [Celebrity Smack]

Something about Jenna Jameson, Paris Hilton, and girls who want to lose their virginity. As the premise for a television show. I can’t read any further. I feel dirty. On behalf of our country. [Pop on the Pop]

The indiest thing I have ever loved just gave birth to a little girl. Unfortunately, she had to go and ruin it by naming the kid Petah. But congrats anyway, Ani DiFranco. [CBB]

Early Evening Links

Jennifer Hudson looooooves gay sex now. [A Socialite’s Life]

Tom Cruise seems to have figured out that being seen with Oprah Winfrey, under any circumstance, is only going to ignite the batshit-crazy vibe he’d like to quell. [Celebitchy]

Nicole Richie’s snatching up Hilary Duff’s sloppy seconds. [Yeeeah!]

Gwen Stefani: still naming things L.A.M.B. Up now: perfume. [Glitterati]

Live-blogging the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. [Film.com]

And You Thought the TomKat Wedding Was Over…

Tom Cruise and Kate Cruise (apparently that’s what we’re supposed to call her now, as the last shreds of her adorable, likable Joey Potter-ness have at last been phased out) are going to have yet another wedding reception here in Los Angeles. This one’s for the folks who couldn’t be bothered to trek out to Italy for the mediafest that was their original wedding. The party will be held at the Beverly Hills estate of Paula Wagner, who is Cruise’s producing partner.

Tom and Kate (uggggh I hate calling her that) are freshly back to the States after their 13-day honeymoon in the Maldives. The older Cruise kids (the ones that call Nicole Kidman mom, when she makes her annual phone call) weren’t invited, but Suri tagged along, ostensibly because, away from the watchful eye of TomKat, she may be prone to DNA tests and other evil tools of science. Says a source: “It was a family occasion. They played with Suri all the time, filming her on a camcorder.”

Now There are New TomKat Wedding Photos, Too

Which is primarily responsible for the vague sense of nausea you’ve had since you woke up this morning?

a) These recently released TomKat wedding photos (they’ll run in the December 5 Hello magazine)

b) The new Britney Spears va-jay-jay explosion?

c) The six vodka sodas you drank last night. And the pregnancy.

Thanks to MollyGood for the heads-up.

Late-Night Links

Mary Kate and Ashley appear on The Today Show to give their first interview in two and a half years. They both appear sober and talk mostly about their careers. Yawn. [MollyGood]

Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his tux at his own wedding. Is this some wacky Scientology tradition? Nope. He just wouldn’t fit in his Armani suit otherwise. [Spank Cheeks]

Rachel Bilson accomplishes the previously unheard-of feat of simultaneously being adorable and at Hyde. [Yeeeah!]

Oh please, please, let there be a Jessica Simpson sex tape. [Egotastic]

“This Scarf is Heavy,” by Paris Hilton. [The Gilded Moose]

I am going to mention Hansen without mentioning “Horseface,” just this once, because they’re being nice to Africa. [Agent Bedhead]

Nicole Richie does her best Hamburgler. [Dirty Laundry]

Where Can I Return This?

I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn’t have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you’d clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He’s giving Tom’s children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That’s right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol’ Becks when he’s not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie’s little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don’t need soccer lessons because they won’t be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren’t getting married (unless I truly don’t get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It’s not a GIFT! You can’t hold it!

It’s the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C’mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here’s hoping.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to prepare my “free backrub” coupons for momma.

TomKat Wedding Video

This is so weird I had to post it. This will be the only time I speak of this sham marriage. We have lost Joey Potter forever. I wonder what Dawson thinks about all of this.

Enjoy!

The TomKat Wedding: It’s Finally Over!

Well, those two crazy kids actually went and got themselves married. This Saturday, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were joined in holy matrimony at Odescalchi Castle outside of Rome. There were over 150 guests in attendance, including Victoria Beckham, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Katie’s father escorted her down the aisle, and the ceremony was performed at sunset by a Scientology minister (read about traditional Scientology wedding vows here). The wedding party included Cruise’s children, Isabella and Connor, and the best man was Cruise’s best friend, David Miscavige, who also happens to be the head of the Church of Scientology. Katie’s sister, Nancy Blaylock, was her matron of honor. The wedding singer was Matt Lauer. Nah, I’m kidding, it was Andrea Bocelli. I hear there was a light drizzle at the start of the ceremony, but then things cleared up for the couple.

Since I honestly don’t understand enough of these words to paraphrase the description of what Katie wore, I am going to jack it, word for tedious word, from Us Weekly: “Katie wore a fitted Armani off-the-shoulder bridal gown with a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. The gown was complemented by an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes.” If this sounds more like a recipe for a wedding cake to you, too, just check out the pics. For the rest of you fashionistas, People has a run-down of what the entire wedding party wore (summary: everyone’s in Armani). Need more pictures? TMZ has one billion, and Teddy and Moo has the rest.

Tom and Katie left early the next morning for their honeymoon in the Maldives. Where are the Maldives? Apparently they’re an island nation south-west of Sri Lanka. Where is Sri Lanka? Now you’re on your own.

The First TomKat Wedding Photos

These are shots of the guests leaving their hotel to catch shuttles to the actual wedding site.

Victoria Beckham has apparently decided to skip the Cruise/Holmes vows altogether, opting instead to attend some manner of funeral being held by the cast of Melrose Place.

To celebrate Cruise’s virility, Jennifer Lopez has dressed as a penis.

More later…

IT’S TOO LATE FOR KATIE HOLMES!

Rumor has it that TomKat officially tied the knot last night in an Italian civil ceremony, complete with their little Asian baby in tow. They will still have their Oprah-less wedding this weekend, but THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE!!

Oh, Joey Potter. How lovely you once were.