Brief Interruption

I’m going to interrupt Britney Spears Day, just for a sec, because I’ve just received word that Kristin Cavallari is probably sleeping with Jason Wahler. I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t that old news?” No, no, LC used to sleep with Jason Wahler, not Kristin. “But, wait, I thought Kristin already slept with LC’s ex.” No, LC already slept with Kristin’s ex, Brody Jenner. “I thought Nicole Richie did that.” She did, too. “Does Stephen Colletti figure in here at all?” No. “Thank God.”

And as long as we’re interrupting:

Check out Faith Hill’s freak-out when Best Female Vocalist went to Carrie Underwood at the CMAs.

Also, the Hiltons and the Olsens are swapping men again.

Jason Wahler Arrested…Again

Some very critical stories have broken in the past hour. Normally I like to take little breaks from blogging during the day to, you know, do stuff at the job I have that pays me in cash (rather than critical acclaim) and covers my health plan, but there is simply no time for that today.

• Lindsay Lohan was seen sucking face with Stavros Niarchos last night at Dragonfly. In case you’d forgotten about him already, Stavros is the Greek shipping heir who was at one point engaged to none other than Paris Hilton.
• Laguna Beach’s Jason Wahler was arrested — again — on Friday, for battery, after an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. I have created an Evil Beet Hypothetical Transcript of said arrest:

JASON: (sniff) Hey, Mr. Tow Truck Driver, what are you (sniff) doing? (sniff)
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: I am towing your automobile because you did something illegal with it.
JASON: No you’re not, asshole. You have no right!
TTD: Actually, I do.
JASON: Like hell you do. I think we ought to (sniff) get an officer from the Department of Transportation involved in this little snafu. He is certain to see it from my point of view. (sniff sniff, shiver)
TTD: Okay, I’ll summon one.
[both smoke cigarettes]
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION OFFICER: I was summoned?
JASON: Yeah, um, (sniff) this tow truck driver believes he has the right to tow my automobile.
DOTO: As a matter of fact, son, he does.
JASON: Don’t you (sniff) know who I am?
DOTO: …
JASON: (sniff)
TTD: …
JASON: (punches both men in the face)
And scene.

• John Mayer’s blog entry from yesterday is genius.

Update: I’m so silly. Hilton dated Niarchos, but she was never engaged to him. She was engaged to an entirely different Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Seriously, if I can’t keep things like this straight, what right do I even have to live?

"jason wahler arrested cocaine"

I’ve had approximately one billion hits with this search term, or a variation upon it, today. So okay.

Yes, Jason Wahler was arrested in NYC on September 1, a little past 4 am, and charged with 3 counts of bribery, criminal possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

So, um, here’s what I assume happened:

1) LC’s ex-love bumped a few lines (of cocaine. Yes, people. Probably of cocaine. Are you happy now?)
2) He did some stupid shit. (Jason Wahler? You’re kidding me.)
3) The cops got involved.
4) The cops suspected and then confirmed that drugs were involved.
5) The words “Don’t you know who I am?” were spoken. Probably by both parties.
6) A bribe was offered. Thrice.
7) All bribes were rejected, Jason was arrested.

Update: Oops…He Did It Again!

Picking up the Pieces: Is It Sweeps Week Yet?

Not much today, kids. Not much at all.

• Gawker’s backstage reporting from the VMAs is worth a read.
• Remember when Ben Affleck was cool? And when he was in a movie, people wanted to see it? Yeah. Not so much now.
• You know how you can tell it’s a really slow news day? Pictures of Jamie-Lynn Spears.
• Ashlee Simpson may or may not be dating Pete Wentz. “Who is Pete Wentz?” exclaims America.
• Pre-VMA report from Page Six: Ryan Seacreast hanging with his gays; Jason Wahler makes Lauren Conrad cry; Brandon Davis may (shhhh) be on drugs.

You Asked for It: The Guys from Laguna Beach May Occasionally Hit Things Other Than Kristin Cavalleri’s Vagina Edition

Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don’t offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it’s funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless

Judging from these samples, it’s not a real shocker that the Internet doesn’t abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You’re so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google — “stephen colletti shirtless” — produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here’s a hint for all of us: spell it “Voorhies,” because, you know, it turns out that’s how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here’s a beer bong, it’s the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You’re awfully specific, aren’t you? I’ve actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of “Jason Wahler” and “cocaine.” Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we’ll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don’t want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won’t print.

“white wife”

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.

L.C. & Jason on Permanent Hiatus

The Hills’ Lauren “L.C.” Conrad and her boyfriend, goofy-lookin’ Jason Wahler, had the good sense to end their relationship just as filming for the show had gone on hiatus, sending film crews scrambling to catch the drama they’d been waiting around to catch for the past six months. Production staff are depressed in part because their summer vacation ended practically before it started, but mostly that a 20-year-old FIDM student from Laguna Beach has the power to do that to them simply by dumping her boyfriend.