Picking Up the Pieces: Pure Speculation in the Absence of Actual News Edition

• Photogs catch Harry Morton purchasing an engagement ring at Cartier. Could a proposal be in the works for his very own Pink Taco, La Lohan? Probably not, but it’s late August and the VMAs haven’t started yet, so let’s just speculate for awhile.
• Paris Hilton has managed, in a mere 24 hours, to be linked romantically with both Lance Armstrong and Travis Barker. What an unpredictable little whorecake she is.
• John Mayer denies the Jessica Simpson romance with his own patented brand of brood and angst.
• Okay, okay, okay. John Travolta just might be gay. Act surprised. Thanks to Dave at Maassive for the push.
• “Jump the couch.” A defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Know it. Love it. Say it.

What the Fuck is Going on at E! Online Right Now???

From their front page right now:

In case you can’t read that, this is what it says (emphasis mine):

TOP REQUESTED CELEBS

Updated Hourly

1. Justin Guarini
2. Britney Spears
3. Paris Hilton
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Jessica Simpson
6. Ashlee Simpson

Oh my God, what is going on? Who are you people? What could you possibly hope to find?

It says “Updated Hourly,” not “Updated in 2002.” I checked three times.

Help me understand.

Update: The kids at his fan site have helped me solve the mystery. Thanks for your hard work, guys!

Trump Says "You’re Fired" to Carolyn Kepcher

Donald Trump has fired his longtime Apprentice sidekick, Carolyn Kepcher, on the grounds that the fame associated with The Apprentice had gone to her head, and she was no longer focused on business matters. Instead, Kepcher was spending her time “giving speeches…and doing endorsements.” The straw that broke the camel’s back? As a 36-year-old woman managing several key aspects of the multi-billion-dollar Trump industry, she had the nerve to write a book about how to succeed in business.

Yes, Mr. Trump, it truly is a disgrace when those who fancy themselves captains of industry seem more interested in devoting their efforts toward promoting their own fame and scoring endorsement deals.

Next thing you know that fame-hungry whore’ll come out with her own perfume line.

Kepcher will be replaced by Trump spawn Ivanka, whose teen modeling career and two years of undergraduate education at Wharton more than qualify her as a business genius.

Good Morning! Jessica Simpson Is Wearing Vanessa Minnillo’s Underwear!

TMZ reports that Jessica Simpson walked into a lingerie store in SoHo with her entourage, and left with three sets of lingerie…

…the same pieces that Vanessa Minnillo wore in her Maxim spread. Minnillo has, of course, been romantically linked to Simpson’s ex, super-hottie Nick Lachey.

Hmm.

I smell a music video. Because the nation is just beginning to recover from “Cry Me a River.”

I thought this album wasn’t about Nick, Jess.

Update: Gawker thinks it’s a PR stunt. That doesn’t have to keep the idea of it out of your bedrooms tonight, guys.

Anderson Cooper Weighs in on the KFed Issue

Link via SorryIGotDrunk.

Will Someone Please Do Something about Paula Abdul?

I’ve written several intros to this video and I keep erasing them. It’s easy to poke fun at Paula Abdul’s substance abuse problem. It’s so painfully obvious on AmIdol that I find myself exclaiming “Wow, I think she’s sober tonight” in the rare instance that she appears to be.

You’d think she’d have people around her to do something about this. I mean, even if they can’t keep her from guzzling liquor and vicodin, at least they could keep her off of live television for the night. But the folks at E! caught her on Emmy night, and asked her questions she proceeded to answer using her best impression of an overtired 5-year-old. I’m kind of sad for her, actually. I’ve decided the only reason she can get through tapings of AmIdol is that they film it in the afternoon — clearly, by nightfall, she’s totally incoherent.

The sound and picture quality get better about 15 seconds in.

Odds and Ends: Nope, Still Nothing Here about Suri Cruise’s Poop

• I haven’t posted about Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb in at least two days. So you’ll all be relieved to know that they showed up together to TV Guide’s Post-Emmy bash at Social Hollywood. I think it’s time to stop speculating and start coping. They’re a couple.
• Gwen Stefani is boycotting the VMAs because she tries really hard to sing good and dance sexy but she just really feels like they’re being nicer to Kelly Clarkson and sometimes she feels picked on like they just really don’t care if they hurt her feelings and it’s just not faaaaiiiir.
• Yes, okay, here’s the Beyonce nip slip. Are you happy? Now leave me to wallow in the sad, Beyonce-nip-slip-posting life I’ve created for myself. I wanted to write literary fiction once, you know.

• La Lohan’s pop would like the opportunity to expound on his prison art.
• Recently divorced Hilary Swank is dating her not-quite-yet-divorced agent at CAA. Will she never get involved with someone famous?
• JT and Cameron in splitsville? Perez Hilton thinks mayhaps.
• I am not writing about or linking to anything regarding Suri Cruise’s fecal matter, be it bronzed or otherwise. I’m just not. Sorry to disappoint.

HOLY SHIT! Anna Wintour Smiles for the Camera!

Hurry! Tie down the pigs! Thanks to The Gilded Moose for alerting us this very, very unsettling turn of events. We are following the progress of this story closely and will keep our readers abreast of any updates. For now I suggest you all stay indoors.

Kristin Cavalleri Has a Sassy T-Shirt…

…and it is news. Last month, Cavalleri ended her romance with Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner, and since then, Jenner’s been photographed almost daily with Eating Disorder of Malibu Nicole Richie. Cavalleri saves face by courting the photogs in a shirt that says YOU CAN HAVE HIM, which she undoubtedly purchased at Kitson along with her TEAM JOLIE shirt (oh, you would be Team Jolie, wouldn’t you, Kristin? I know you.) According to Us Weekly’s source, Kristin “has had that shirt forever and finally had a reason to wear it.”

Hey Kristin: I have this shirt that says “Asexuality: It’s Not Just for Amoebas Anymore.” If I give you $50, will you put it on and go have lunch at The Ivy?

Matt Leinart to Reproduce

People reports that Arizona Cardinals quarterback and all-around hottie Matt Leinart has knocked up some chick he banged. Her name is Brynn Cameron. She’s a 20-year-old junior at USC and the most attractive female college basketball player in the history of the world. According to People, she will “sit out the upcoming basketball season,” which gives me the much-needed confidence that this girl has the sort of informed decision-making skills crucial to motherhood.

As many of you may know, Leinart has been linked romantically to songstress Paris Hilton. So I suppose the good news here is that Leinart saved his irresponsible sperm donation for some chick we don’t care about, and we will not have to deal with the media frenzy that would surely surround a Paris Hilton pregnancy, culminating in the national discussion on whether or not it is appropriate for her to take a child to Hyde in an oversized Fendi bag.

(I hope you people didn’t think I was being serious about the “songstress” part.)

I wish them the best; I’m sure the whole Leinart family will find as much joy in the Arizona Cardinal’s Pink Taco Stadium as Matt once found in Paris’s.