Late-Night Links

There’s a sixth hat in the Dannielynn paternity ring. And he’s in jail. Nice. [dlisted]

Brit-pop up-and-comer Lily Allen sports some conspiracy theories. [Buzznet]

You thought Austria was neutral? Not when it comes to Paris Hilton. They threw trash at her. [POTP]

Wow, remember that Uruguayan model who died of an anorexia-related heart attack in August? Her younger sister, also a model, just died the same way. Unbelievable. All together now, girls: starving is not cool. [Cele|bitchy]

L.A. comedy clubs seem to be the hot-spot for bitchy comedian screaming matches lately. This week: Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan throw down. Check out the video. [Celebrity Smack]

Taylor Hicks is that abhorrent sort of diva who doesn’t even allow other men to watch him pee. For shame! [Celebslam]

TRL is dead. Vanessa Minnillo is unemployed. Jessica Simpson is doing a happy dance. [Just Jared]

Katie Holmes in Harper’s Bazaar. [Warship]

Other Stuff You Should Know About

Hilary Duff’s new single is pretty addicting. Kind of like Vicodin. When you’re Nicole Richie. [popbytes]

Alanis Morissette and Ryan Reynolds must have received the letters I’ve been writing them, begging that the natural order of the universe be restored, and that Ryan Reynolds genes of total hotness not be mixed with Alanis’s weird pear-shaped ones. They’ve split up. [Hollywood Grind]

I hate covering stories that involve Katie Holmes talking. [Defamer]

Fuckin’ Lindsay Lohan. [The Blemish, The Superficial]

Fuckin’ Lindsay Lohan’s mom. [Hollyscoop]

Yes, we have pictures of Denise Richards’ labia. This is very good news for Heather Locklear in the maintenance and improvement of the voo-doo doll. [The Superficial]

Sienna Miller, Call Me.

I’m a fan of Sienna Miller. I don’t know if it was her work in Layer Cake or the beating she took on the Jude Law thing but I’ve been quietly pulling for her. Well, here is a fun interview The interview is very long and somewhat of a puff piece but I did enjoy this tidbit:

(on breaking up with Jude Law) “There were times when I felt like it was all just too much to deal with,” she recalls, declining to share the details. (Miller admits that she’s tried therapy, but after angrily calling the therapist a “cow” in response to a particularly difficult question in the first session, she was told she was still in trauma and not ready for analysis. She has not been back since.

Okay, that’s good fun. I can’t imagine how this came up but my imagination is running wild. “Sienna, do you think you are attracted to Jude because you’re having trouble with how your dad treated your mom?” (pause for Sienna to puff on a cig) “You Cow!!” I’m guessing she may never be ready for therapy. Don’t sweat it sister, the great ones defy analysis. Consider me still pulling for you.

Oh, one last thing, the interview mostly deals with her role in Factory Girl, a role that Katie Holmes was attached to at some point in the production but allegedly pulled out of due to the risque level and the fact that she’s slowly preparing for when she’s beamed to a new planet.

And You Thought the TomKat Wedding Was Over…

Tom Cruise and Kate Cruise (apparently that’s what we’re supposed to call her now, as the last shreds of her adorable, likable Joey Potter-ness have at last been phased out) are going to have yet another wedding reception here in Los Angeles. This one’s for the folks who couldn’t be bothered to trek out to Italy for the mediafest that was their original wedding. The party will be held at the Beverly Hills estate of Paula Wagner, who is Cruise’s producing partner.

Tom and Kate (uggggh I hate calling her that) are freshly back to the States after their 13-day honeymoon in the Maldives. The older Cruise kids (the ones that call Nicole Kidman mom, when she makes her annual phone call) weren’t invited, but Suri tagged along, ostensibly because, away from the watchful eye of TomKat, she may be prone to DNA tests and other evil tools of science. Says a source: “It was a family occasion. They played with Suri all the time, filming her on a camcorder.”

Now There are New TomKat Wedding Photos, Too

Which is primarily responsible for the vague sense of nausea you’ve had since you woke up this morning?

a) These recently released TomKat wedding photos (they’ll run in the December 5 Hello magazine)

b) The new Britney Spears va-jay-jay explosion?

c) The six vodka sodas you drank last night. And the pregnancy.

Thanks to MollyGood for the heads-up.

Where Can I Return This?

I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn’t have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you’d clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He’s giving Tom’s children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That’s right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol’ Becks when he’s not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie’s little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don’t need soccer lessons because they won’t be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren’t getting married (unless I truly don’t get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It’s not a GIFT! You can’t hold it!

It’s the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C’mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here’s hoping.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to prepare my “free backrub” coupons for momma.

TomKat Wedding Video

This is so weird I had to post it. This will be the only time I speak of this sham marriage. We have lost Joey Potter forever. I wonder what Dawson thinks about all of this.

Enjoy!

The TomKat Wedding: It’s Finally Over!

Well, those two crazy kids actually went and got themselves married. This Saturday, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were joined in holy matrimony at Odescalchi Castle outside of Rome. There were over 150 guests in attendance, including Victoria Beckham, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Katie’s father escorted her down the aisle, and the ceremony was performed at sunset by a Scientology minister (read about traditional Scientology wedding vows here). The wedding party included Cruise’s children, Isabella and Connor, and the best man was Cruise’s best friend, David Miscavige, who also happens to be the head of the Church of Scientology. Katie’s sister, Nancy Blaylock, was her matron of honor. The wedding singer was Matt Lauer. Nah, I’m kidding, it was Andrea Bocelli. I hear there was a light drizzle at the start of the ceremony, but then things cleared up for the couple.

Since I honestly don’t understand enough of these words to paraphrase the description of what Katie wore, I am going to jack it, word for tedious word, from Us Weekly: “Katie wore a fitted Armani off-the-shoulder bridal gown with a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. The gown was complemented by an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes.” If this sounds more like a recipe for a wedding cake to you, too, just check out the pics. For the rest of you fashionistas, People has a run-down of what the entire wedding party wore (summary: everyone’s in Armani). Need more pictures? TMZ has one billion, and Teddy and Moo has the rest.

Tom and Katie left early the next morning for their honeymoon in the Maldives. Where are the Maldives? Apparently they’re an island nation south-west of Sri Lanka. Where is Sri Lanka? Now you’re on your own.

The First TomKat Wedding Photos

These are shots of the guests leaving their hotel to catch shuttles to the actual wedding site.

Victoria Beckham has apparently decided to skip the Cruise/Holmes vows altogether, opting instead to attend some manner of funeral being held by the cast of Melrose Place.

To celebrate Cruise’s virility, Jennifer Lopez has dressed as a penis.

More later…

IT’S TOO LATE FOR KATIE HOLMES!

Rumor has it that TomKat officially tied the knot last night in an Italian civil ceremony, complete with their little Asian baby in tow. They will still have their Oprah-less wedding this weekend, but THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE!!

Oh, Joey Potter. How lovely you once were.