And You Thought the TomKat Wedding Was Over…

Tom Cruise and Kate Cruise (apparently that’s what we’re supposed to call her now, as the last shreds of her adorable, likable Joey Potter-ness have at last been phased out) are going to have yet another wedding reception here in Los Angeles. This one’s for the folks who couldn’t be bothered to trek out to Italy for the mediafest that was their original wedding. The party will be held at the Beverly Hills estate of Paula Wagner, who is Cruise’s producing partner.

Tom and Kate (uggggh I hate calling her that) are freshly back to the States after their 13-day honeymoon in the Maldives. The older Cruise kids (the ones that call Nicole Kidman mom, when she makes her annual phone call) weren’t invited, but Suri tagged along, ostensibly because, away from the watchful eye of TomKat, she may be prone to DNA tests and other evil tools of science. Says a source: “It was a family occasion. They played with Suri all the time, filming her on a camcorder.”

Where Can I Return This?

I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn’t have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you’d clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He’s giving Tom’s children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That’s right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol’ Becks when he’s not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie’s little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don’t need soccer lessons because they won’t be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren’t getting married (unless I truly don’t get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It’s not a GIFT! You can’t hold it!

It’s the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C’mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here’s hoping.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to prepare my “free backrub” coupons for momma.

Let’s Link this Through

Yup, the Spiderman 3 trailer leaked. Enjoy. [Derek Hail]

TomKat and Suri the Fake Baby (looking fake as can be), arrive in Rome for the contractually mandated wedding of the century. [Glitterati]

Leann Rimes sides with Faith Hill on the whole Carrie-Underwood-sucks issue. Classy. [Tabloid Whore]

Holy crap, stop the presses. Jude and Sienna broke up. For the eight billionth time. I honestly do not remember them getting back together. I’m sure I wrote about it, but I have some sort of Jude-Sienna mental filter that keeps that sort of info from sticking. I’m glad of it. [The Superficial]

This constant stream of Anna Nicole stories makes me want to mix methadone with antidepressants, too. The power company pulled the plug on her place in the Bahamas yesterday. [Allie is Wired]

Vogue doesn’t want pictures of Britney Spears’ baby. Not even for free. Damn. [HGW]

A little treat for the straight guys who stop by on occasion/accident: Alessandra Ambrosia photo explosion over at CelebSlam. [CelebSlam]

Early Morning Musings: Cameron Diaz ASSAULTED!

• People in this country seem to think it would be a good thing if Lindsay Lohan moved to London. Such thinking belies a tacit ignorance of the economic underpinnings of our nation. A drastic shift in the supply/demand curve of the blow industry impacts all of us.
• Cameron Diaz filed a police report accusing a photog of assault with a deadly weapon.
• Angelina and Brad continue their tireless quest to buy our forgiveness, donating $1M each to the Global Action for Children and Doctors Without Borders. It’s really pathetic, you know, behaving as though a vast improvement in quality of life for thousands of third-world children in any way makes up for the broken heart of one first-world Jennifer Aniston. You two sicken me.
• Someone went Wild On…Brooke Burke. Check out pics of her preggers. And, for the record, I tried very hard to think of something more current to pun on than an E! series she wrapped four years ago, but that’s really all there is for her.
• No, silly, Chris Klein did not impregnant Katie Holmes. An alien did.

Moby’s Take on Suri Cruise

From Moby’s blog. I’ve noted the spelling errors. I post this mostly because I agree, and because it echoes almost eerily the sentiments I expressed when Brad and Angelina stuck their kid on the cover of People. I’ve corrected the spelling mostly because I don’t really like Moby, either, and because nothing’s funnier to me than a moral high ground expressed fearlessly and spelled incorrectly. So without further ado:

are you kidding me?
putting your fucking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair?
are they out of their minds?
using a child as a p.r prop???
argh. question: what is more important, your ability to shepherd a child through life and give it a healthy foundation for the hardships of existence, or usingit to get a vanity fair cover?
using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit.
in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing.
i don’t know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children and use their children to get better press coverage.
i’m sorry, i try not to be too judgemental judgmental, but it’s gross.
shouldn’t children have to be cogniscent cognizant of what’s actually going on before they’re being used by their parents to be on the cover of magazines?
not to sound too old fashioned, but if parenthood and infancy are not sacred in our culture, what is?
it just seems fucking grotesque to me, to use your newborn to get press coverage.
ugh.
moby

Odds & Ends: All the News That’s Not Suri Cruise!

Today’s mostly Asian-Baby-Called-Suri-Cruise Day on the internets, but if you’re now suitably bored and disturbed reading the TomKat PR script optioned by Vanity Fair, here are some other things going on in celeb news:

• You know what would be purely sensational and unfair and hurtful to the Mel Gibson clan? Dragging his oldest son’s past DUI into this mess. My favorite part of this article is the discussion of how Christian Gibson got sober at Cirque Lodge in Utah — the “same facility that helped Mary-Kate Olsen beat anorexia in 2004.” Apparently sobriety has the same staying power in the Gibson family as eating has in the Olsens’.
• Gwen Stefani will not fucking stop calling things “Love. Angel. Music. Baby.” This time it’s a line of dolls. “The Harajuku Girls and I wore such wicked costumes we had to share them with the world again,” Stefani announced. Such a giving soul in a truly world-class songwriter and lyricist. How rare.
• Why it took Joe Eszterhas this long to write a tell-all is a mystery to me. Daily News has some of the highlights. Among them: Val Kilmer is an imbecile. Asked by the Academy to nominate the three best film moments of the century, Kilmer nominated three of his movies. One of them was ‘Batman Forever.’
• Britney Spears is planning a C-section tomorrow, at which point the multi-millionairess will officially have given birth to two babies in less than one year, both by a white boy who wears conrows and wife-beaters and fancies himself a rapper. You can take the girl out of Kentwood, right?

Picking up the Pieces: Things that Happened to People Other Than Lindsay Lohan Today

• Orlando Bloom decides he can’t see Kate Bosworth anymore. No, really, he can’t actually see her anymore.
• It’s official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes found a baby to adopt! Katie Couric kicked off her CBS career with the pics. From the looks of the kid, some 15-year-old prostitute in Cambodia is a real big fan of Scientology these days.
• It’s not that Victoria Beckham is pregnant, it’s just that her husband doesn’t speak Spanish.
• When a lot of rich people have invested a lot of money in you, you don’t have to go to jail for petty things like using heroin and selling cocaine to teenagers in rehab. Isn’t that right, Pete Doherty?
• Jessica Simpson denies she’s dating John Mayer on the View today. So if we could just get a moratorium on all “Is Jessica Simpson’s Body a Wonderland?” headlines for awhile, that’d be great, mmkay?

A Few Things You Should Know

I haven’t really been in a writing mood today, which is why you’ve been treated to videos and nip-slip pics, but as a responsible journalist (cough cough hiss hiss), I respect that there are some things my readers should know before I sign off for the day:

1) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes oblingingly struck the we’re-in-love pose for paparazzi yesterday, and people seem to think this is newsworthy, so, there ya go.

2) X17 thinks they’ve got a shot of Suri Cruise. That sad, longing figure in the window may or may not be Katie Holmes.

3) Gwyneth Paltrow is African. All male bloggers subsequently announce themselves painfully well-endowed. I can’t compete with that. Except for this: Right, Gwyneth, and I have two vaginas.

4) I keep hearing buzz about terrorist plots involving airplanes. Didn’t Nick Cage do a movie about that?

Closing Time

Some final items:

• MSNBC’s Jason Katzman realizes that Will Ferrell is marketable, easy to pitch for. Screenwriters Guild of America sooo pissed their secret leaked. [MSNBC]
• Taylor Hicks is “writing” a “memoir.” It’s really cute when old people do that. [UPI via Jossip]
• ScoJo got one of those gross bull-style nose rings. I’m not sure whether I blame Woody Allen or Josh Hartnett. [Just Jared]
• If there is anyone on this planet who would have absolutely no reason — contractual, blackmail-related or career healthwise — to lie about having seen Suri Cruise, it is, without a doubt, Penelope Fucking Cruz. [Chicago Trib, every major news outlet you don’t read because everything you care about that happened today was covered by one of your 12 favorite blogs — yes, you, you gorgeous, precious, blog-reading demographic, with your over-30 age bracket and near-six-figured average annual income. Check MSNBC every now and then, would ya? You were, like, thisclose to not finding out today that solid Will Ferrell vehicles are a dime a dozen. Sheesh.]

On Fake Babies

While a Jesus-lovin’ Mel Gibson works hard to bring Jew-hating back to the mainstream, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are leaving that last-season Judeo-Christian crap in the past where it belongs. The couple is focused on our world’s latest Chosen One, taking graven images to a whole new level by allowing their two-month-old child to be depicted in wax and put on display.

Okay. Stop.

Can we talk for a second about how incredibly fucked up this is? Please? I don’t care where the profits are going (UNICEF for anyone who thinks this changes anything), this is your child. This kid never had a chance. They never even tried. What could possibly be an acceptable rationale for allowing your two-month-old child to be replicated in wax and thrown in a museum and photographed with tourists for money? They don’t need the cash flow, I assure you. If UNICEF needs funding that badly, I’m sure one of them can cough up some dough. Why oh why would a person do this? I feel awkward making judgments on how people raise their children, and I try generally to avoid the topic, but this is really frustrating behavior to me; how is this baby ever going to develop a sense of self when her image is a media sensation before she’s really even fully sentient? When she’s been defined by millions of strangers worldwide before she even knows her own name? This is how the Paris Hiltons of the world come to exist, folks. These are the ingredients, but they’re much more potent here. This girl is in for a long journey, with a lot of hard outer shells and late-life soul-searching.

It’s going to be sooo much fun to hear all about it on E!

I’m sure Tom Cruise is teaming with envy, and you’ll see Wax Suri on display in the adjacent room just as soon as he and Katie adopt her.