Paula Abdul Quoted While Drunk

Paula Abdul, taking a page from the Isiaiaiaiah Washington school of kicking sleeping dogs has decided to go on the offensive against all those hating on her substance abuse problem.

She Said (re: rumors she does a mix of crack/cocaine/meth/PCP before going on the air):

That’s nonsense, the 44-year-old “Idol” judge tells Us Weekly magazine in its February 16 issue. “I’ve never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs,” she says. “Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that.”

Wow. There’s a lot to deal with there. First off, Keith Richards. Secondly, what 20-year career? Third, if you were high as a kite on prescription drugs just say so. We’ve all taken our meds twice on accident. In your case the 500mg double dose of horse tranquilizers would truly mess your 100lb frame up, we get it.

“I have never missed a live show,” Abdul notes. “Even when I had surgery on my hand (for an infection caused by a botched manicure in 2004), I left my hospital bed to go to the show.”

Technically this is true. She’s never missed a show. However, there have been shows that they chose not to “show her on camera” because she kept mentioning that “tweety bird was stealing her moon rover.”

WTF Happened on American Idol Tonight?

Okay, look, I know the audition phase is always a freak show, but tonight was in a class all its own.

For starters, on day one in Birmingham, Paula Abdul is trashed. I mean, right from the start. Just out of her freakin’ head deeeeeeeeeerunk. Not the twitching-a-little-and-making-no-sense Paula we’ve come to know and love, but actually-on-the-floor-and-having-trouble- standing-and- laughing-at- inappropriate-times out of her goddamn skull drunk. I suppose it’s possible that the sound feed between the auditioners and the judges table got dropped. Or, you know, the sound feed between Paula Abdul’s brain and the rest of her body got dropped. Or, most likely, Paula herself got dropped on her head as a child. Sigh. This is only day one.

Day one also brings Jamie Lynn Ward, who is Kellie Pickler on acid. This girl has a Southern accent I didn’t know you could actually hear outside the context of a comedy sketch. Simon asks her to tell them something interesting about herself. Which is the politest way the producers could come up with of getting at the following response: “I live wit may grammaw and may daddy’s paralyzed from here down. He shot hisself raight here (pointing to neck). His waif wuz cheatin awn im, which wuz may stepmomma an he cawt em in the act an it wuddn’t the firs time so like he shot her and he shot hisself and now I live wit may grammaw to help her take care a im.” Beat. “But its okay.”

Please, God, why am I laughing so hard right now? I can’t stop! I am a bad person, I admit it. I have scoured YouTube for footage of this eloquence, but I can’t find it yet. Please please please Lord let it be up tomorrow. Please please if any of you finds this on YouTube, send me the link. I’m begging you! I must have this thing on my blog.

By day two, Paula’s in a rehab detoxing. Or, as Ryan Seacrest narrates, at a “family obligation” in Los Angeles. So it’s just Randy and Simon at the judges table. Which, frankly, makes for a really strange chemistry, and I realize now how important Paula is, drunk and all. I know Birmingham isn’t exactly the music capital of the world, but was there really no one in that city who could judge on short notice? For 30 million viewers? Tammy Wynette, where are you when we need you?

Alright, alright. I’m done for now. I’ll shut up. In closing, to quote the inimitable Leslie Carter: “It’s, like, wow!”

Paula Abdul Can’t Get Her Stories Straight

Thankfully, Paula Abdul’s PR whiz kids thought to tie her to her bed for the entirety of the day before this appearance on The Tonight Show, so she managed to seem pretty sober during it. But I guess they were so busy keeping her away from her Vicodin that no one sent her the memo regarding the formal excuse her publicist fabricated for her drunk-tastic Seattle interview last week. Exhaustion, Paula. Your rep said it was “exhaustion.” I think he also mentioned something about the sound guys dropping the feed. But he didn’t cite the fact that you were doing 30 interviews at the same time. And no one ever accused you of answering the wrong questions. You were answering the right questions. It’s just that you were doing it while you were drunk. See, that was the problem. The drunk part.

But I’m happy to report that your PR team is heading in the right direction, in that you seem to have put together at least a half-day of sobriety prior to this interview. Baby steps, guys, baby steps.

YouTube footage courtesy of our friends over at The Blog You Love to Hate.

A Paula Theory..

Today Danny Bonaduce said (on the Adam Corolla show) that Paula Abdul was on a combo of Vicodin, Alcohol, and Cocaine during her interviews, and that during the later ones her coke had worn off.

As he’s an admitted expert drug user I’m going to dutifully pass this theory along as it was the initial question asked when we broke this bad boy…

Paula Abdul Needs to Go to Bed

Remember that one time when Paula Abdul gave that interview while she was wasted out of her mind? No, silly, not that time. The other one. From last week.

Well, Paula’s rep, Jeff Ballard, had something to say about that little incident. Says Ballard:

She was exhausted. This was at the end of three days of press (interviews and appearances), and she has had cameras following her around for a reality TV show too. [Ed: That’s this one.] She was sitting in a room with just a camera and a mic on, and the controllers dropped the sound twice, which is why she rolled her eyes. She never drinks. I have known Paula Abdul since she was 13, and I have never seen her drink ever in my life. … And no, she is not on any kind of medication. She was a little tired.

She was “exhausted,” was she? Is she exhausted during every single taping of American Idol, too? Is that what she has in that Coca-Cola cup? Exhaustion? My lord, somebody get that woman a bed. In a rehab.

Paula canceled all media interviews the following day, citing a “sore throat” from the “chilly studio,” as well as a “hangover.”

Paula Abdul Absolutely Blasted Out of Her Mind

Let’s play a little game. Was she:

A) Drunk
B) high on Painkillers
C) high on Anti-Depressants

And who the hell let her on the air? Great job PR team!

Paula Abdul Claims She’s "Never Been Drunk"

Yes. It’s true. Drunkie Paula gave the following quote to Entertainment Weekly:

“Last year, when no one understood what I was saying, and even though I’ve never been drunk in my life, I’m accused of filling my Coca-Cola cup with alcohol. Yeah, that was really fun for me.”

First off, Paula, way to remember to plug Coca-Cola even in the midst of a conversation about your alcoholism. You’re a real pro.

Also, dear, if I were you, I’d cop to the drinking. Because if you’re claiming you gave an interview like this sober, well, you leave the rest of us no choice but to assume you are functionally retarded. Come on, Paula? How about some information, please?

Straight up now, tell me, you don’t really wanna drug yourself forever?

Oh oh oh….

Or you slur your speech ‘cuz you hurt your tongue?

Straight up now, tell me, that you never touch booze or weed, not ever?

Oh oh oh…

Are you really just that dumb?

Fashion Victim of the Week

Paula Paula Paula…you are an woman in her 40s there is no reason to dress like a teenager from the late 90s. If you are trying to look hot in a corset please don’t put bows on it. I really think this woman needs to hire a stylist to make her look like an actual lady. She is trashy without the body to back it up and it is just kind of sad that she just can’t pull it together and wear a normal non-Forever 21 outfit. It is sad when people spend thousands of dollars to look this cheap. I really can’t wait for American Idol this season to see if she’s sobered up a bit..bitch is crazy and that is why I love her.

Link It Up

A day with Paula Abdul is not worth $26,000 to anyone. A day with her Vicodin supply? Now that’s another story. [CelebSlam]

Nicole Richie doesn’t like it when strangers text message her. [Drunken Stepfather]

Scary Spice is carrying Eddie Murphy’s love child. [Juicy-News]

Check out the video from Christina Aguilera’s new single, “Hurt,” which comes complete with a father-daughter separation scene straight out of a Michael Lohan cartoon. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Before they became the alcoholic, abusive, herpetic mess we all took such pure joy in watching them become, Liza Minelli and David Gest filmed a pilot for a reality show. Because God loves you, this footage has surfaced. [Perez Hilton]

Ellen Degeneres invites a hyptonist on her show for a weepy attempt to rid herself of the smoking habit, the cumulative result of which is that now I want a cigarette. [Defamer]

Will Someone Please Do Something about Paula Abdul?

I’ve written several intros to this video and I keep erasing them. It’s easy to poke fun at Paula Abdul’s substance abuse problem. It’s so painfully obvious on AmIdol that I find myself exclaiming “Wow, I think she’s sober tonight” in the rare instance that she appears to be.

You’d think she’d have people around her to do something about this. I mean, even if they can’t keep her from guzzling liquor and vicodin, at least they could keep her off of live television for the night. But the folks at E! caught her on Emmy night, and asked her questions she proceeded to answer using her best impression of an overtired 5-year-old. I’m kind of sad for her, actually. I’ve decided the only reason she can get through tapings of AmIdol is that they film it in the afternoon — clearly, by nightfall, she’s totally incoherent.

The sound and picture quality get better about 15 seconds in.