Archive for the ‘Larry Birkhead’ Category

Late-Night Links

February 23, 2007

Prince Harry has officially been deployed to Iraq, where his Nazi garb should go over particularly well. [A Socialite’s Life]

Rumor has it Jennifer Lopez will be performing on American Idol in April. [IBBB]

Wow, even a wax version of Rachael Ray annoys me. [Agent Bedhead]

Nick Cannon marries a Victoria’s Secret model he started dating three weeks ago. In Vegas. Oh, like you wouldn’t. [Cele|bitchy]

The Britney “Shears” Photoshop contest. Seriously, some goddamn genius made a Smashing Pumpkins call. A must-see. [Stereogum]

That bothersome buzzing noise coming from the outer edges of the blogosphere is Kim Kardashian, still fucking talking about a sex tape that has nothing to do with Britney Spears or Anna Nicole. [Warship]

The video of the Judge Seidlin Show pilot Anna Nicole Smith verdict. [Ninja Dude]

Larry Birkhead claims that Anna Nicole miscarried a child by him in 2005. Additionally, he asserts that Princess Di used to send him naked pictures of herself, that Dana Plato planned to tattoo his face on her ass, and that there is an invisible purple elephant doing the Macarena in the middle of the room right now. Go ahead, prove him wrong. [INO]

Anna Nicole Verdict…

February 22, 2007

Man this judge is a jackass. What a blow-hard.

A bunch of stuff was denied. I don’t understand the legalese.

Jesus, this judge looks like he’s trying not to cry. What a tool. What the fuck is going on here? Holy shit the judge is crying.

They awarded the remains to the lawyer representing Dannielynn. He asks that this lawyer consult with all involved parties in making a decision.

Howard Stern’s head is on the table. Virgie Arthur is crying.

“I want her buried,” says the judge, “with her son. In the Bahamas. I want them to be together.” But he’s leaving that decision up to Dannielynn’s lawyer, who I assume will agree to have her buried in the Bahamas.

Howard K. Stern is sobbing audibly. His freakin’ lawyer is crying. Everybody is crying. Except Larry Birkhead. He’s not crying.

“And I hope to God,” says the judge, “You guys give the kid the right shot.” He’s still crying. This is the strangest damn thing I have ever seen.

The lawyers ask for a bunch of stuff I don’t understand, then ask for use of the chambers for the rest of the afternoon. The judge says sure in the most long-winded, blow-hardy way. They want the courtroom sealed for their discussions. No cameras. Judge says sure.

Court adjourned.

Anna Nicole Meets Oz

February 22, 2007

Watching the Anna Nicole body snatching trial on Cnn and Msnbc is just brutal. The judge is like nothing I’ve ever witnessed in a courtroom, a complete jackass, completely unintelligible.

It’s not that he’s speaking in legalese either; it’s these weird tangents he goes off on. They have nothing to do with the trial. For instance a few minutes ago he started talking about the first female judge in Broward county 20 years ago. When you figure out what that has to do with where/when/how Anna Nicole’s remains will be handled please let me know.

He also asked Birkhead if filing a legal motion to obtain paternity tests a year back would put “stress into Anna Nicole’s body.” Again, what does this have to do with anything? No one knows.

The judge is the typical South Florida NYC blowhard. He’s so happy to be on TV he’s almost drooling. I hate this guy. He’s turned what’s already a circus into Goddamn fiasco.

**Update** Actual question asked to Birkhead “Was Anna Nicole Smith the love of your life?” This has a legal bearing.. why? It’s good TV, sure, but how again does “love of your life” factor in to the law of the land? Does whoever has the most passion get to cremate her? The best part of that question is it didn’t have to be answered because it HAD BEEN ANSWERED PREVIOUSLY. That’s right, now they are repeating the crazy talk in some effort to have the Florida justice system barred from the land.

The Bodyguard gets called. “Did Anna Nicole have mood swings?” The judge asks this. Because of the little known section 1142.b which stresses mood swings and how they relate to your final resting place.

“Was Anna Nicole on drugs? How many road arrests have you made?” On and on into infinity.

The Anna Nicole Remains Trial: Day One

February 20, 2007

The Florida court proceedings to determine what will happen with Anna Nicole’s body began this morning. Before I begin with a recap, let me quickly explain to you (to the best of my understanding) what is going on here. There are two legal cases in progress regarding Anna Nicole. The first, in Los Angeles, California, is the paternity suit, where Larry Birkhead is pushing for DNA testing to determine who is the father of Anna’s baby daughter Dannielynn. Howard K. Stern opposes the testing. The second, in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, exists to determine who gets custody of Anna Nicole’s body. Most of the media attention today focused on the Ft. Lauderdale case, where the parties concerned were present.

Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, and Anna’s mother Virgie Arthur entered the courtroom around 9:30 a.m. Anna’s father, Don Hogan, was also present. The judge in the Ft. Lauderdale case is Larry Seidlin, a former NYC cabbie with a thick New York accent to prove it, who has reportedly hoped to have a Judge Judy-style television show of his own. He seems to have no problem whatsoever making a media circus of these proceedings. In fact, he appears to be encouraging it. He’s quite a character, this judge. He’s the anti-Ito.

Howard Stern wants Smith buried in the Bahamas, with her son, and his legal team argues that, as co-executor of Anna’s will, he should decide what happens to her remains. Anna’s mother’s team argues that Stern is not a blood relative and should not have a say in this issue. Anna’s will does not express her wishes on this matter.

Early in today’s proceedings, it was determined that Judge Seidlin would take jurisdiction of the paternity case which is currently pending in Los Angeles, and a lawyer was appointed to represent five-month-old Dannielynn in this case.

Stern’s lawyer, Krista Barth, kicked things off by complaining to the judge that Larry Birkhead’s lawyer, Deb Opri, accused him of “killing” Anna Nicole Smith during court proceedings this morning. Video here.

Howard Stern took the stand to discuss his relationship with Anna Nicole, noting that they were friends, and then lovers (“This was years ago,” he says. “We didn’t say anything at the time.”). Video here. He talks about how Anna never really recovered emotionally from the death of her son, and how she wanted to make sure that Daniel’s coffin was secure, because “both she and Daniel were afraid of bugs.” Video here.

In perhaps the strangest development so far, Stern’s testimony was interrupted by a phone call from the Broward County Medical Examiner, who stated that Anna Nicole’s body was deteriorating faster than normal. As such, DNA testing will have to be performed this week, instead of in two weeks as was planned. Stern sobbed audibly on the stand when he heard the news.

As the day wrapped up, the judge asked Howard K. Stern to appear in court again tomorrow. He was originally only supposed to appear today. The judge himself arranged for a private jet to take Stern on the short flight to the Bahamas tonight, and return him in the morning.

Anna Nicole News Real Quick

February 14, 2007

Let’s just get this out of the way, so we can get on with our day.

  • A Florida judge has ordered that Anna Nicole’s body not be released until DNA testing can be performed as per the request of Larry Birkhead.

  • A Bahamian judge yesterday agreed to an injunction preventing Howard K. Stern from removing Dannielynn from the Bahamas. This is at the request of Anna’s mother, Virgie Arthur, who claims she fears for the safety of the child with Stern.

  • Howard K. Stern’s sister Bonnie continues to wage whatever war she’s invented against her brother, claiming that Anna told her that Larry Birkhead is the father of Dannielynn.

  • Anna’s final film, Illegal Aliens, will be released in May. Smith’s late son Daniel was an associate producer on the film.

The Legal Issues on This Will be a Bitch

February 9, 2007

I just finished watching two press conferences which I’m pretty sure had something to do with this whole Anna Nicole thing. As I understand it here’s where we stand:

Three jurisdictions are now involved. The request for Anna’s DNA was requested in California and has been denied (at least for now). Florida is where the autopsy is being held and they have taken control of Anna’s body until at least February 20th. The Bahamas are where little Dannielynn resides. So then, according to the California law they point to The Bahamas as the place the DNA injunction should have been filed.

Mr. Birkhead’s lawyer said she didn’t know if he was headed to the Bahamas as things are “up in the air.” Well, I can tell you if he IS headed there it’s probably going to be to get some sun because at this point he’s no more the father of that child than I am (and I’m not).

That’s Anna Nicole’s Story and She’s Sticking to It

January 24, 2007

I was so excited for Tuesday. On January 23, Anna Nicole Smith was supposed to bring her new baby, Dannielynn (okay, if I can’t ever spell this name right on the first try, how does Anna Nicole even have a chance?), in for paternity testing, per a court order. Larry Birkhead, Smith’s former paramour, had asked for the test, contesting Anna’s claim that the girl’s father is Anna’s lawyer, super-stud Howard K. Stern. Birkhead claims the baby is his.

However, it turns out that Anna Nicole’s crack legal team has potency outside of the reproductive arena. They were able to convince an L.A. judge to stay the order, citing something about how the case was never tried in the Bahamas (pay no attention to anything about the legal aspects of this case I may mention — I have no idea what I’m talking about). So, alas, this is not the week we all get to hear Anna Nicole’s explanation of how exactly she could be so completely wrong about who fathered her child.

But never fear! We will not be completely without Anna’s unique brand of articulate. TMZ obtained a private AOL Instant Messenger convo between Anna and Larry Birkhead. This is possible because TMZ employs some of the most talented Internet hackers on the planet — namely, Larry Birkhead (handle: N0 tr0jAn). Here’s the text of the convo, which led me to actually pray that this child’s father is Howard K. Stern, because at least he had a strong enough grasp on verb conjugation to get through law school.

Anna Nicole: quit trash me at the casino
Larry: not at a casino
Anna Nicole: go fuck my mom to
Anna Nicole: Yall are sick
Larry: show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole: don’t think so
Anna Nicole: u wish
Larry: everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole: in your dreams

Here at The Beet, we just wishes for there be resolushun in this matter before Danilyn be’s old enuf to understand what go on around her.

Late-Night Links

January 16, 2007

Now you can cross “See Steven Tyler’s bare ass” off your list of things to do before you die. I know, I know. When you put it on there twenty years ago it seemed a much more appealing proposal. Beggars can’t be choosers. But thankfully his daughter girlfriend is there to add a touch of youth to the image. [MollyGood]

How is it surprising to anyone, let alone someone who has actually had sex with her, that Anna Nicole continues to sell pictures of her baby to the tabloids? Come on, Larry Birkhead. You know you’re loving this. [Cele|bitchy]

Britney and her new parasite drop $40K a night on the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms. I’m not sure why she needs that rotating bed. You know the whole room is spinning for her by bedtime anyway.* [Pop on the Pop]

Who is Keeley Hazell? Who cares? Her sex tape leaked. [Bossip]

Damn. I was in the Lindsay-Lohan’s-boobs-are-real camp for a long, long time, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts. [Yeeeah!]

Oh happy day! It turns out Gwen Stefani looks human before you airbrush the hell out of her. [Teddy and Moo]

Snore. Heather Mills wins something in her never-ending battle with Sir Paul McCartney. Wake me when I’m British. [Monica Monroe]

*A special congrats to Isaac Cohen, who, having been Britney’s boy-toy for over a week now, has earned his previously irrelevant ass its very own label here on the Beet.