Late-Night Links

Justin Timberlake announces plans to launch his own television network, JT TV. I announce plans to throw up a little in my mouth. [POTP]

Remember Lindsay Lohan? [The Blemish]

Mischa Barton does her very best Crocodile Dundee. [Celebslam]

Anna Nicole was cheating … on TRIMSPA! Leave it to CourtTV to get the hard facts in this case. [TMZ]

T.R. Knight is not getting pushed around by anyone anymore! You hear that, Diddy? [Cele|bitchy]

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer pose for some prom post-Grammy photos. [Tabloid Whore]

Paris Hilton won’t have her true commitment to the ground-breaking creation of novel soundscapes diluted by an extended appearance at such self-congratulatory nonsense as the Grammy awards. But you can take her picture real quick. [Defamer]

See? Sarah Silverman is funny. I told you so. [Gawker]

Jessica Simpson is Not Going to Talk About Her Private Life (Except She Totally Is)

Oh, yay. Another Jessie Simpson interview. The forum: Elle magazine. The topic: Her personal life, and how she won’t talk about it, and then more about her personal life.

On seeing Nick with other women: “Oh, it hurt me. Two or three weeks later? Yeah, I’d say it kind of hurt me.” Hey, Jess? Everyone’s going to lead with that. Everyone. You knew that when you said it, didn’t you?

On her relationship with John Mayer: “I want to tell you everything, but I have to sew my lips together. It’s hurt me in the past.” Damn, that’s a good plan, Jessie. Maybe you could have had that little brainstorming session sometime before the “Is it chicken or tuna” debacle. You’ll get ’em next time, kiddo.

On the reality show she filmed with Nick: “I let people in on who I am and how I react to my husband. That’s a big deal. Celebrities don’t do that. So I think they brought me down just because I stopped talking and because I have not spoken – and will not speak – about my divorce. And I think people feel like I owe them my reality right now.”

Anyway, Jess goes on to say how she’s still buddies with Nick, and won’t say if she’s currently in love (although she makes it clear to the interviewer that she is). Hey, Jess, if you want to keep your private life private, maybe stop giving interviews about it?

Late-Night Links

Nicole Kidman is carted off to the hospital after an on-set car accident, but she’s so badass she comes back later in the night to resume filming. Thankfully, someone got the accident on tape. [Celebslam]

Jessica’s pouty expressions and hair-twirling may be more for the camera than for John Mayer. [Cele|bitchy]

Kate and Owen take another shot at their non-relationship. You know, for the sake of the little Ryder. Oh wait. [Celeb Warship]

Pics of Carrie Underwood shooting her new music video. [Celebrity Smack]

Wrap your head around this: Paul Reubens, incapable of draw the line at masturbating in a public place, also smoked cigarettes on set. [Defamer]

Black Snake Moan is characterized as “bad Ricci-porn.” Count me in! [Pajiba]

Even fast food employees are loathe to be associated with Kevin Federline. [Agent Bedhead]

They Are Actually Kind of Cute

So I hate to say this but I think that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are kind of cute. I think they have been dating on and off for a while and John wasn’t into the publicity machine that was Miss Simpson. They are finally publicly “coming out” as a couple and I think it a bit good for both of them. John needs a little drama to fuel his whiny songs and Jess needs some kind of stability so she can get off her path to crazy. I’m kind of hoping that this works out for both of them and he knocks her up, then we won’t be subjected to her awful music or crappy movies for at least a year. A girl can always dream.

Late-Night Links

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer spend New Year’s Eve sucking face. [Mollygood]

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty may or may not have gotten married in Thailand on New Year’s Day. We can state with confidence, however, that they were both high. [The Superficial]

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have reportedly split for good. I bet he’s realized lately what a huge mistake it was to leave Britney and hopes to win her back. [Pop on the Pop]

Wilmer Valderrama and Mandy Moore may be back together. [Bricks and Stones]

Heather Mills continues her quest to become the single most hated person in all of England. [Glitterati]

Photogs catch Nicole Richie sucking face with Joel Madden on New Year’s Eve. [The Blemish]

Jason Wahler Arrested…Again

Some very critical stories have broken in the past hour. Normally I like to take little breaks from blogging during the day to, you know, do stuff at the job I have that pays me in cash (rather than critical acclaim) and covers my health plan, but there is simply no time for that today.

• Lindsay Lohan was seen sucking face with Stavros Niarchos last night at Dragonfly. In case you’d forgotten about him already, Stavros is the Greek shipping heir who was at one point engaged to none other than Paris Hilton.
• Laguna Beach’s Jason Wahler was arrested — again — on Friday, for battery, after an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. I have created an Evil Beet Hypothetical Transcript of said arrest:

JASON: (sniff) Hey, Mr. Tow Truck Driver, what are you (sniff) doing? (sniff)
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: I am towing your automobile because you did something illegal with it.
JASON: No you’re not, asshole. You have no right!
TTD: Actually, I do.
JASON: Like hell you do. I think we ought to (sniff) get an officer from the Department of Transportation involved in this little snafu. He is certain to see it from my point of view. (sniff sniff, shiver)
TTD: Okay, I’ll summon one.
[both smoke cigarettes]
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION OFFICER: I was summoned?
JASON: Yeah, um, (sniff) this tow truck driver believes he has the right to tow my automobile.
DOTO: As a matter of fact, son, he does.
JASON: Don’t you (sniff) know who I am?
DOTO: …
JASON: (sniff)
TTD: …
JASON: (punches both men in the face)
And scene.

• John Mayer’s blog entry from yesterday is genius.

Update: I’m so silly. Hilton dated Niarchos, but she was never engaged to him. She was engaged to an entirely different Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Seriously, if I can’t keep things like this straight, what right do I even have to live?

I Can’t Stay Mad at You, John Mayer

This has been an eat-my-hat sort of week for me. First, much to my chagrin, the oft-maligned-and-usually-by-me Brad Pitt did something awesome. Now, John Mayer, who I consistently find to be pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant (grrr!) gives a pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant interview to Rolling Stone (grrr!). Some highlights:

On Brangelina: “Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left – just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, ‘You greedy motherfucker, I’ve got nothing for you.’”

On being on tour: “I slept with, like, three girls a week.”

On his cock: “I’m not worried about how small my penis is – I’m worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks.”

He also has some manner of album coming out. It will, most likely, be pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant (grrr!).

Update: I forgot to mention that John Mayer had one little lapse of brilliance here; Brad Pitt is not married to Angelina Jolie. They are merely living in sin. They will get married when, and only when, you can marry your hot 13-year-old niece.

Picking up the Pieces: The Only Pussies Renew Their Driver License Edition

• He’s been hit with a few shells, but apparently at no point with a car insurance policy. Rapper 50 cent is pulled over in his Lambo in NYC for making an unsafe lane change. He’s later handcuffed and taken to a police station on charges of an expired driver license, his vehicle being unregistered in NY, driving an uninsured vehicle and having that brick of heroin in the back seat. And by “having that brick of heroin in the back seat” I of course mean “being black.” Gawker’s got art.
• Jessica Simpson’s management fires her publicist for trying to make it look like leaving Nick Lachey hasn’t become such an embarrassing misstep for the plummeting popstar. But in her defense: John Mayer, dude? Really? And when DJ AM was single?
• How much is In-N-Out burger paying Paris Hilton? Because if I were Carl’s Jr, I’d be fucking pissed.
• Ellen DeGeneres is hosting next year’s Oscars. I’d make one of the 8 gimme jokes here, but Defamer already took all of them.
• Orlando Bloom and Uma Thurman? Wow, I bet that makes Kate Bosworth really hungry.

Picking up the Pieces: Things that Happened to People Other Than Lindsay Lohan Today

• Orlando Bloom decides he can’t see Kate Bosworth anymore. No, really, he can’t actually see her anymore.
• It’s official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes found a baby to adopt! Katie Couric kicked off her CBS career with the pics. From the looks of the kid, some 15-year-old prostitute in Cambodia is a real big fan of Scientology these days.
• It’s not that Victoria Beckham is pregnant, it’s just that her husband doesn’t speak Spanish.
• When a lot of rich people have invested a lot of money in you, you don’t have to go to jail for petty things like using heroin and selling cocaine to teenagers in rehab. Isn’t that right, Pete Doherty?
• Jessica Simpson denies she’s dating John Mayer on the View today. So if we could just get a moratorium on all “Is Jessica Simpson’s Body a Wonderland?” headlines for awhile, that’d be great, mmkay?

Picking Up the Pieces: Pure Speculation in the Absence of Actual News Edition

• Photogs catch Harry Morton purchasing an engagement ring at Cartier. Could a proposal be in the works for his very own Pink Taco, La Lohan? Probably not, but it’s late August and the VMAs haven’t started yet, so let’s just speculate for awhile.
• Paris Hilton has managed, in a mere 24 hours, to be linked romantically with both Lance Armstrong and Travis Barker. What an unpredictable little whorecake she is.
• John Mayer denies the Jessica Simpson romance with his own patented brand of brood and angst.
• Okay, okay, okay. John Travolta just might be gay. Act surprised. Thanks to Dave at Maassive for the push.
• “Jump the couch.” A defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Know it. Love it. Say it.