I Believe the Children Are Our Future

I hate both the MPAA and the FCC. Essentially I hate censorship in all its forms and I advocate a society where I’m allowed to choose what I’d like to guzzle.

That said, I am a little confused by this news: Justin Timberlake will be hosting the Kid’s Choice Awards. I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, what the hell are the Kid’s Choice Awards?” Fair point.

But I bet they involve children, unless it’s some kind of weird pedophile buffet thing. In which case I bet getting sponsorship/televised would be a bitch. So JT and the kids getting together because he’s a kid-like role model style guy. I now present you some selected lyrics to “Sexy Back.”

Dirty babe
You see these shackles
Baby I’m your slave
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave

Oh crap, I appear to have misspoken. Later on in the song it says:

Go ahead child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it

Now I understand, the kids are meant to be sexy and also objects of sex. Dios Mios man. Was Guarini not available?

Take it to the bridge!

OMFG STOP THE PRESSES!!!!

Justin Guarini has cut his hair. And, for the first time in the history of the world, the mere sight of him doesn’t make me want to vomit all over myself. Apparently he’s filming a movie and doing annoying interviews and stuff, all of which still brings on the up-chucks. However, the hair? Is okay with me now. He doesn’t look half bad. So, JGuars, you’ve won this one. This brings the current score in the Justin Guarini Sucks War to JGuars, 1, Evil Beet staff, 57. At least it won’t be a shut-out.

A Brief Review of Babel

From my new favorite source, a brief yet elegant review of this two-and-a-half-hour Brad Pitt opus.

“babel sux. dont see it. the end.”

Also, my beloved JGuars have sent me another Justin video. I adore you guys, but keep your Beet writers straight. Evil T wrote the bit about Justin having a nice voice, not I. (Yeah, I’m watching you.) I truly admire your determination, though, and your Ghandiesque approach to growing the Justin fanbase. Keep at it, guys! I’ll keep running them.

You Told Me To Do It…..

Here is a quote from my comment section.

“You can enjoy beautiful concert videos of Justin performing at the concert (and accompanying himself on the guitar) on the You Tube site, or you can check out his Myspace Site as well for more current and accurate information.”

So you know what I did? I went to You Tube and I checked out some concert footage from his New Jersey concert. I forgot that, yes, he does have quite a nice voice. That is great that he is quite talented. I don’t question his talent but what I do question is his star power. A search of You Tube yields the following results for Justin Guarini performance videos.

Justin at Max’s Bar Mitzvah
Justin at Six Flags New England.
Justin at The Trump Marina.
Justin has his “famed” New Jersey concert

Also his fans are called Jguars. Interesting choice y’all.
Can a celebrity do something interesting please? If any of you have any news on K-Fed’s bad behavior while he was married to Britney please let us know. There are stories out there I know it!

Justin Guarini: Stranger Things Have Happened

That is really the title of his latest CD. Since today is American Idol day, and I am sick of writing about K-Fed, I thought I would check in on our favorite has-been American Idol runner up. He was supposed to be in this turkey of a musical called “Good Vibrations” a couple years back and pulled out because he wasn’t the “star.”
According to JustinGuarini.Com, “Justin has been sought after for many popular television programs, independent and theatrical films, and public as well as private events.”
Really? You learn new things ever day.
As an actor according to Imdb.com, he will be appearing in “Frankie the Squirrel” as Keith (the high roller). I guess he also had a rockin performance in New Jersey. Well, according to this website, at least he still has fans.

Color Me Surprisedd: Tamyra Gray Wedds Sam Watters

On Saturday, the 4th-placer from AmIdol’s inaugural season wedd Sam Watters, of Color Me Badd fame. Remember them? Think slap bracelets. Hypercolor. Roller skating rinks. “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Got it? Okay.

I really likedd Tamyra on AmIdol, and if I hadn’t been headd over heels in love with Miss Kelly Clarkson, I wouldd have rootedd for her to take it all. Or Nikki McKibbin. Or Ryan Starr. Or Jim Verraros. No, not Jim Verraros. But close. I actually wouldd have rootedd for anyone other than Justin “Ribbon in the Sky” Guarini to win that thing. You know why? He bothers me, that’s why. Remember in the final episode, when Ryan Seacrest askedd him if he was nervous, and he saidd something along the lines of “I know that no matter what happens tonight, Kelly and I will both have amazing, successful careers?” Sometimes, when I feel sadd and blue, I reflect on that moment, and my cares flutter and fall away, ribbon-like.

But back to Tamyra. “X-factor” girl. It turns out she’s hadd a marginally successful career in television and as a songwriter, cowriting Fantasia’s number-one single “I Believe.” I believe I’ve never in my life heardd that song on the radio, but I’m going to take E!’s wordd for it. Redd states or something, I guess. Watters has workedd with Celine Dion and Kelly Clarkson, and cowrote Jessica Simpson’s recent single “A Public Affair,” since Color Me Badd disbandedd in May of 2000. At that point they releasedd their final album, The Best of Color Me Badd, which I’m sure soldd really well with people who hadd been cryogenically frozen since 1992.

I wish them luck, and I look forwardd to reading the many variations on “Color Me…” headlines surrounding this joyful union.

Justin Guarini: Explained?

The kids over at JMansWorld, a Justin Guarini fan site (wrap your head around that), got wind of the little Justin Guarini mystery I’ve been trying to solve. And by “trying to solve,” I of course mean “not trying to solve.” Specifically, how was this guy the #1 requested celeb on E! Online for a significant portion of August 31 of this year? They did the digging that I was too apathetic to even attempt, and found an article on E! Online from August 30 titled “Making the Most of the ‘Idol’ Experience,” about the people who didn’t win AmIdol, and all the albums they haven’t sold since doing so. Guarini was only mentioned briefly at the end, and only in the context of his utter irrelevance today, but apparently E! Online’s readers know a good trainwreck when they see it, and enough of them spent some time rubber-necking to push him to the #1 spot on E!’s list of most requested celebs.

The well-meaning kids at his fan site have concluded that “The only explanation…is that people genuinely want to know WHAT JUSTIN’S UP TO!”

And you’re right, guys, that’s exactly what people want to know, but not because they hope to borrow their Mom’s Sentra to sing along at his upcoming mall tour; more likely, they are hopelessly intrigued by a life and a hairstyle more publicly embarrassing than their own.

Case closed.

What the Fuck is Going on at E! Online Right Now???

From their front page right now:

In case you can’t read that, this is what it says (emphasis mine):

TOP REQUESTED CELEBS

Updated Hourly

1. Justin Guarini
2. Britney Spears
3. Paris Hilton
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Jessica Simpson
6. Ashlee Simpson

Oh my God, what is going on? Who are you people? What could you possibly hope to find?

It says “Updated Hourly,” not “Updated in 2002.” I checked three times.

Help me understand.

Update: The kids at his fan site have helped me solve the mystery. Thanks for your hard work, guys!