Links for the 8 of You Who Can Access This Site Tonight

Jennifer Lopez is turning to Scientologist pal Leah Remini for tips on how the religion can help her get knocked up. Does Xenu recommend you have a three-man camera crew from VH1 living in your house throughout the process, Leah? [I’m Not Obsessed]

Look, MTV, when you’ve resorted to The Real World: Denver, you can’t exactly expect viewership to soar. Up next: Road Rules: Presidential Libraries. [Pop on the Pop]

Tony Parker caves. [Celebrity Smack]

It is a distant possibility that Nicky Hilton is not particularly involved in the, you know, actual work behind her new line of boutique hotels. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney’s first (55-hour) husband happily cashes in on her recent media prominence, reveals she had a tummy tuck. “No duh,” say six-year-olds nationwide. [Cele|Bitchy]

Pink wears underwear. Unlike some people. [TMZ]

Minorities of the World, Unite! (Are the French a minority?)

This just in.

Tony Parker of the San Antonio NBA Basketball Spurs and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria are officially engaged. No more simply knocking boots for the two of them, they are making a firm commitment to be legal in Texas by the summer of 2007.

Frankly, I don’t have much to say about either of them. The Spurs are a really boring team and Tony is French. I heard on FOX that I’m supposed to frown upon the French.

As for her, I stopped watching Desperate Housewives because it started going hella hokey. She was decent in the film no one ever saw, Harsh Times.

So there you have it. I suppose I could mention that she is seven years older than him if you ladies want to hoot, or alternatively, holler. Go nuts.

Fur is Fun?

I used to live in Virginia, pretty close to the PETA HQ. I found them to be kind of freaky, because frankly I find zealots of every stripe to be kind of freaky. Plus my blood thirsty desire for filet mignon was in direct opposition to their desire for me to subsist on a diet of sorghum and wheat germ. So I figured we’d agree to disagree there.

But now they are going after an issue close to Beet territory, women, and the clothing of said women. They’ve named their worst dressed list, and of course it’s all about who is wearing fur. Four ladies take the bullet: Nicole Richie, Ashley Olsen, Christina Ricci, and Eva Longoria. All are chastised for being uncaring little animal killers.

I guess the thing that bothers me is trying to dictate others behavior due to your own personal beliefs. There are things I do that I simply wouldn’t expect of others. For instance, if a spider is in my home I do my best to a) ignore it or b) place it gently outside my home. This is simply because spiders kill other insects which I may like even worse. Now I know some people hate spiders and immediately throw a hardcover book on them. I’m totally cool with that, live and let die and all that. So I just feel like if I say “Ok, don’t kill the Minks” (who are, it must be said, vicious little animals) then next people will be trying to take my Mountain Dew Code Red Extreme SportZ Edition because it’s too eXtreme or sporty for their liking. You get my point, and that’s why I’m calling PETA dumb here.

EvilB or EviltT, if you’d like to tell me why fur is murder and perhaps do the whole “I’d rather be naked thing” I will watch respectfully, promise.

I Link We’re Alone Now

Rachel Weisz says it’s okay to drink while you’re pregnant. “Amen to that,” says Lindsay Lohan’s mom. [Cele|Bitchy]

If there is, in fact, a way to get America to a film version of Sweeney Todd, it’s probably Borat. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Shocker of shockers. Justin Timberlake is out and about, being a self-absorbed ass. [Girls Talkin’ Smack, Pop on the Pop]

Oprah and her couch are not invited to the TomKat wedding. [Bossip]

If Paris and Nicole can be BFF again, perhaps there’s hope for Britney and Madonna? [The Bosh]

You should return that bulk purchase of lube to Costco, guys. There won’t be an Eva Longoria/Beyonce lesbo flick afterall. [Junkiness]

Michelle Trachtenberg and DJ AM? In my mind, this is the definitive answer to “Which B-list celebs do you care about the absolute least?” But apparently they’re also banging. [A Socialite’s Life]

I Link, Therefore I Am

Tobey Maguire and girlfriend, Irrelevant McNotfamous, welcome a baby girl. [Hollyscoop]

Joley Richardson quits Nip/Tuck. She’s hoping to be cast in a show with more plausible plotlines, possibly something involving giant, mutant, hermaphoditic aphids who eat Koreans and occasionally find themselves in awkward love triangles including the wife of their college roommate. [HGW]

Beyonce and Eva Longoria will be getting all lesbo on the big screen. Where will you be, Paul Reuebens? [Bossip]

Someone asked me the other day how Kate Moss is still so employable, even after the whole cocaine scandal. This is a link to a black-and-white video of Kate Moss, wearing lingerie and saying quiet, mysterious things. More of you will click on this link than any other in this group, probably by a factor of three. And that, my friends, is how Kate Moss is still so employable, even after the whole cocaine scandal. [Agent Bedhead]

In a shocking twist to the Kevin Federline saga, he demands Grey Goose in his dressing room. Check out the rest of the hospitality rider. [CelebSlam]

If Brad Pitt smokes, it must be cool. [Teddy and Moo]

Actor Jack Palance dies. [Hollyweird Gazette]

Wrapping up the Weekend: The Mess of Jess

• Eva Longoria and Tony Parker split, Amanda Peet makes that baby legit.
• Jessica Simpson has reached that really unattractive point of depression-induced apathy. It’s a beautiful thing to behold.
• Drunk much, Beyonce?
• Pamela Anderson’s nipple has Hep C.

Happy Morning! It Doesn’t Have to be September 11 Again for a Full Year!

HELLO SEPTEMBER 12.

I love you.

• I think our nation’s club owners have figured out that turning away Paris Hilton is a surefire way to get their club’s name in all the papers. I’m totally okay with that, Rose Bar at Ian Schrager’s Gramercy Park Hotel.
• I don’t know at what point Tom Cruise stopped being hot, but it totally happened.
• Britney Spears got that baby out, a healthy baby boy born just before 2 am on September 12. After cutting the umbilical cord, the doctors pierced the baby’s ear and tattooed his upper arm.
• I don’t know if the bigger news is that Jude and Sienna are dating again, or that Us Weekly’s blog totally said “f-buddies.”
• Justin Timberlake’s avant-garde masterpiece, FutureSex/LoveSounds, drops today. You know you’ve really pushed the boundaries of contemporary soundscape when the whole album is available on MTV’s The Leak.
• Eva Longoria takes a pre-emptive strike against her imminent irrelevance; it’s not that she won’t have options after Desperate Housewives runs its threadbare course, it’s just that she doesn’t want to do any of them.