Ha Ha Matt, You Silly Goose

I’ve heard this rumor before but this is the first time someone has dared publish it online so now I’m officially concerned. The rumor is this: Matt Damon as Captain Kirk in a movie. Yikes. Matt, I pray it was just insider courtesy talk when you said:

“I heard that [rumor]. I think J.J. Abrams or somebody said that at press junket or something, and it got picked up… If the script was good, I’d do it.”

Now Matt is a fine actor, and I like the majority of films he’s been in. But you can’t go down the Captain Kirk path man. You’ll never make it back. Think of how many other movie roles Shatner has landed. Keep thinking. Okay stop, because there aren’t any. This Kirk think is bigger than us all Matt, it will eat you alive. Gone will be the cherry dramatic roles you so love, replaced with oddball camp crapola.

Come back to the light Matt. Don’t go to any galaxies that are far far away.

Fine, if you must appear in Star Trek than at least be Spock. Nimoy was hot as hell.

American Television is Lame

I was reading this article on Dutch television when it occurred to me how crappy our TV standards are. Someone shows a nipple around this country and people go fucking bonkers but over there in the Netherlands they have “prostate milking” right on the tube! Seriously.

Here are a few excerpts so you don’t actually have to leave the sanctuary that is EB.

Another show raising eyebrows is “Spuiten en Slikken” (Shooting and Swallowing), on which every sexual persuasion can be found. It broadcasts on the youth-oriented public broadcaster BNN, currently the most risque station in Holland.

Youth-oriented! I mean, it’s not like Skinemax, it’s right there for the kids. Too sexual? How about this:

“Patty’s Fort,” which aired in 2004 on RTL, saw minor Dutch celebs led by former pop singer Patty Brard gather for a colonic irrigation session in a health spa, with the scatological results shown to the audience.

Tell me you wouldn’t tune in to see colonic irrigation sessions. C’mon, just say you wouldn’t. Liar.

In 1967, broadcaster VPRO caused a worldwide sensation by showing a nude model for the first time on national TV, shown reading a Christian newspaper.

This was in 19 Godamn 67!! And it was an ironic shot too! Man I hate puritanical types. The Dutch have all the fun. The article ends with:

Is there a limit to what is possible on Dutch television? Apparently so. Reality TV pioneer Endemol last year tried to launch a sperm donor show in which a woman would select the father for her baby in front of the camera. The enormous public outcry about the project prompted Endemol to ax the program before it reached the airwaves.

Well that’s just lame. Why couldn’t she choose the father? What’s so nasty about that? Maybe I’m missing something. Anyway, write your congressmen and tell him the FCC are dirty whores.